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[mrballisticsdummy]

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cw for suicidal ideation

[epistemological]

Oh. Oh this is where it gets- well, he's not sure how Jacobi will take this. He's not sure about telling Tim, given where his mind is at.

"I" And he can lie to himself, talk about all of his intentions with Daniel, for Gonou, even Xie Lian. But after a few days on the oars- "I... gave up, frankly. That ship didn't allow for graduates to, um, to stay on for their own deals. Once you'd served your time, that was it. And I... that meant that the best course of action for me was, um..."

He glances towards Jacobi and he knows he'll have to make this quick.

"I thought about asking someone to kill me. P-permanently, as it worked there." He hastens along so that Jacobi doesn't think he offed himself. "Un-until I met someone." And he can't help that his lips actually tick up in a bit of a smile.

[mrballisticsdummy]

Jacobi's face is stony at the revelation. He hates it, but he wasn't there. He can be upset for himself, he knows, but he wasn't around.

He turns his face into the pillow and holds him closer.

And then he mentions meeting someone. And not in a casual sense. In a way that Jacobi hasn't actually heard him talk. Jon doesn't "meet people." Jon doesn't even know when someone is blatantly flirting with him.

"How did you meet someone?" he asks, raising his head.

[epistemological]

Jacobi will get to enjoy a rather sheepish kind of blush, one seldom seen on Jon. Or rather never seen on Jon. It had been, um... well?

"He was... well, he had had a rather unique sort of-" er, no, not quite, how could he put this? Hmm. There's the obvious.

"He was essentially a Statement. A-as a person. S-someone who had, um, had been a story, before being supernaturally transformed into-" his hands wobble a little.

Then, lamely-

"His name was Mike."

[mrballisticsdummy]

Of course he was some Jon-esque bullshit. Some of his nightmare realm just bleeding into reality. And he's so grateful for it that he laughs.

"Of fucking course that's his name. Mike. Why not Jim? Or Dave?" But he's gentle. Teasing without any malice.

He threads fingers through his hair. "But - uh - the obvious question is...Martin, right?"

[epistemological]

That gets a very firm nod. The comment about his name makes his eyes roll, even if that stings like the dickens given how he died.

"I do tend to find myself among many a Mike," he admits, thinking back. Though he doesn't like associating Mike with Crew or Michael Shelley. Mike had been dead, as everyone was on the Galley who was a prisoner, but it still-

"And you would have to- well, there's a complicated reason for that, which I know but which... which feels unfair to go telling to everyone. But-" a deep breath, "yes, there is... there is Martin. W-w-which is further complicated by the fact that I never got the chance to tell him about-"

He glances over at Jacobi.

"...I'm going to talk to him about it. But..." and he puts a finger over his lips. Please?

[mrballisticsdummy]

"My loyalty has always been with you," he assures him, finding his hand and squeezing it gently.

"For - what it's worth, Jon, I don't - mm...blame you? No, that sounds bad. I mean, I understand it." Jacobi could never and would never have anyone but Warren, but he knows that they are a bit of an outlier in the realm of relationships.

That doesn't mean he can't understand the other side of it.

"Anyway, tell me about him."

[epistemological]

He's quiet for a moment as he considers how to approach... all of this.

"...I've been thinking on it for a time. This place... he's never much liked it. And Elias coming here had been the last straw. For him, he's- he's stayed here for me." He glances over at Jacobi. "But for me, this place is..."

He leans a little more against Jacobi, pointedly.

"My life is here. People from all manner of worlds and places..." a soft huff, "that's where- that's where the only 'family' I have is, the only true friends. Even- Even Tim and I only really came to be... came to be proper friends without a wall between us here. I want to save my world but..."

He shakes his head.

"I don't want to live in it. I don't think a 'normal' life is ever in the cards for me. And I don't- I don't want it to be."

He swallows again and comes back around to the question.

"Mike was..." a low chuckle, "well, frankly, he's a bastard. But- but a rather delightful bastard. It wasn't-" he turns a hand, "I wasn't looking for anything like- it was only a few days in, after all. Hopeless or not, it's just never been much of a priority for me. But he was actually rather aggressive to start. He didn't understand why he... why he felt more real around me."

[mrballisticsdummy]

Jacobi knows that feeling all too well. Of finding a home here. Finding his people. He props his head on his arm, watching him as he explains.

"Delightful bastards make up most of your friend group. Including yours truly. So that isn't actually a shock."

He gestures for him to go on.

[epistemological]

"...I have actually noticed that, yes," he says with a snort that he regrets immediately. Bloody death toll. Stupid bloody shot to the head.

"But, um, once we... Once we cleared things up a bit, once I explained and he... well, I more 'read' him than anything. But after that, he was- he sort of took... Took hold of me. Took... Responsibility for me. Wanted to look after me and felt as if- well, as if I was a bit of luck. I... made things better for him, not worse. And he was- he was very gentle, but just with me."

[mrballisticsdummy]

He can't help that simultaneous jolt of jealousy and gratitude. Someone was looking after Jon. But it wasn't, and couldn't be, Jacobi.

He doesn't know what Mike's fate was and he doesn't know how he'd find out, but he hopes it was positive. Anyone who made Jon feel that way is deserving of good things.

"Good. I'd kick his ass otherwise," is what he chooses to say. Softly. "But now what? Ice cream and bad movies? A rebound relationship? A dramatic haircut?"

[epistemological]

A rebound relationship?

Ha.

"Probably not ice cream. Bad movies, certainly. And-" he laughs, then winces; stupid headache.

"I'm reasonably certain no one on board at the moment had any interest. Not anyone on board anymore anyway."

...is he going to tell about Dorian? He might.

[mrballisticsdummy]

Jacobi doesn't say that he's thought about it once or twice. That if his entire heart and self wasn't Warren's that he might have tried himself. It's a shameful secret, one that he's quite certain anyone close to him, Warren included, recognizes.

That stays tucked deeply away in a place he doesn't want access to.

"Not anyone on board anymore? So there was? At a time?"

[epistemological]

And that Jon never will. You have to be pretty obvious with Jon on that particular thing.

But he ducks his head in a nod.

"Dorian. He, er, he kissed me just before he left. It hardly means anything since he's gone now."

[mrballisticsdummy]

Jacobi turns skeptical. "Dorian who helped cause the Elias shitstorm?"

Jacobi might have cooled, but he didn't forget.

[epistemological]

There's a slight cough.

"...by confessing his feelings for me. That was what Elias convinced him to do to distract me."

[mrballisticsdummy]

"So he used his feelings to manipulate you into distraction."

And he instantly feels bad about saying it.

He grumbles. "I know. That's not fair. Fuck it." Another grumble. "I'm sorry he's gone, though. If he - made you happy."

[epistemological]

"He's-" and he breathes out, "he's a friend. I never let myself think past that, considering. The only reason any of it sort.of... slipped by is the situation and, er, the uniqueness of, um, everything with Mike."

A soft huff.

"And you're not wrong. He... He hurt me and he apologized, actually apologized if you can believe that. It's... Complicated."

[mrballisticsdummy]

"There's also the fact that you're a damn idiot when it comes to people wanting to be your friend, let alone anything else."

And Martin, but Jacobi isn't touching that mess. He likes him, but Jon is his. And if he has to pick a side in whatever happens, then he might as well start now.

He sits up. "Can you stomach some water? It might help your head. And...everything else."

[epistemological]

"Yes, well, I- it's not as if I've had much practice before now."

It's a lame excuse and be knows it, but such is life. Though when it comes right down to it, Jon would prefer no 'sides'. He still cares for Martin a great deal. Life just... happens sometimes.

"I suppose I should probably hydrate, yes."

[mrballisticsdummy]

Life for Jacobi is still sides. It's something he doesn't ever think he'll be able to shake. He just knows how to hide it better.

He leaves Jon for the moment and returns with water, which he holds out to him expectantly.

"Drink it. I promise I didn't put anything in it."

[epistemological]

He raises an eyebrow.

"Why would you put anything into it?"

The idea hadn't even occurred to him, and he'll take it and start swallowing it down slowly as he makes room on the bed for Jacobi to join him again.

[mrballisticsdummy]

"I wouldn't," he says with a playful, almost teasing, smirk as he crawls back into bed beside him.

"If you go to sleep, I'll stay," he promises him. "I feel - like a kid at a sleepover. Not something you have experience with, nerd. I know. Might as well start now."

[epistemological]

"I thought you're supposed to do 'fun' things during such events," he points out as he continues to sip, "as opposed to myself. And I'm going to fall over soon."

[mrballisticsdummy]

"Yeah, play video games and get fucked up. Steal my dad's liquor and fill it up with water. But we can just skip all that and get straight to collapsing in a heap because one of us can't hold his booze and the other one is just goddamn tired," he explains.

[epistemological]

A pause.

"I wouldn't be opposed to the games." And there's a long pause. "You might actually beat me at Mario Kart."

Oooooooooo.