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[mrballisticsdummy]

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[statementfuckingends]

His own laugh fades off a little, but the growing, weak smile on his face is still fond.

"'s'part of being an older brother. You get a special area of your brain dedicated to the shit your family gets up to, s'you can shame 'em later."

[mrballisticsdummy]

"That's probably why my parents decided not to have another kid," he murmurs. "They knew I wouldn't make a good older brother."

Says the man who exudes little brother energy.

cw canon typical clowns

[statementfuckingends]

"Used t'think I was a pretty good one, 'fore everything."

Before he couldn't protect him the one time it turned out to matter.

And an image flashes in his mind - unbidden, unwanted, forced upon him by Elias. Of being in Danny's eyes, looking up in pain and fear and incomprehension at the clown with its hands under his skin.

Tim's mouth presses tightly shut, and he covers his eyes again. His other hand turns and grips Jacobi's to keep it from trembling.

"God..."

[mrballisticsdummy]

He's instantly on alert, instantly worried, the alcohol slowing his reaction by only a few seconds. But he's sitting straight up, looking at Tim with the deepest concern.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

[statementfuckingends]

"Just... stuff's coming back to me," he mumbles, but his grip on Jacobi is deathly tight, and he's quiet for a minute.

Until, finally. "...Elias found me."

[mrballisticsdummy]

"I know," he tells him softly. "You hurt him again."

He brings Tim's hand to his cheek as he leans close. "What happened? What did he say to you?"

[statementfuckingends]

He lets his hand be taken, but he doesn't say anything yet. His jaw tightens for a moment, and he visibly forces himself to relax.

"Show, don't tell. He made me know how... Danny died. And... a-and the not-Sasha."

[mrballisticsdummy]

Jacobi, numbed as he is, seethes but says nothing about it for a moment. He only lets him say it, lets him relax, and he sighs. "Cruel," he says softly. "So goddamn cruel."

He shakes his head. "I'm sorry. I should have gotten to you sooner."

[statementfuckingends]

He runs his hand down his face, over his mouth, and pauses there to scratch at a spot near his jaw. Blunt nails run idly over worm scars. Like he's trying to find where the seam is.

But it's only a moment, before he lets his hand drop and shakes his head again. "Doesn't matter. You did what you had to, when you could. 's'more than me." He takes a breath. "All I did was hurt people. Not even proper. Just... pointless."

[mrballisticsdummy]

"You didn't want to," he points out. "You didn't want to and when you found a way out, you took it."

He holds fast to his hand still, taking a breath.

He considers telling him about Taylor but doesn't. Not yet. Not now.

He just breathes in deep. "Look at me, boss. Getting real good at coming back to fix what I broke. If I can do it, you can."

[statementfuckingends]

That almost gets a proper laugh. Almost.

"This rate you'll graduate in no time," he hums. "Still, I owe a few people apologies."

[mrballisticsdummy]

"Yeah, sure. Make sure you tell the Admiral that," he mutters. But it's a step.

"Apologize if you can, but there wasn't much you could do. And you - sacrificed, too."

[statementfuckingends]

He shakes his head again, but when he opens his eyes it's just to look at the ceiling.

"'was selfish. Stupid. Couldn't..." The muscles around his eyes pinch, and he shuts them again. "Bloody... tough it out. Couldn't even keep myself together, there's only one reason I didn't lose myself entirely. Better feed for the Eye if I stayed."

[mrballisticsdummy]

"You were scared," he reminds him. "I know. People do weird shit when they're afraid. But - I don't blame you. And I know most people won't. I remember what it was to be a Hunter. I remember the difference in what I needed to do and what were choices."

He sighs, clarity cutting through the vodka. "Most people know you wouldn't choose to hurt them."

[statementfuckingends]

Another not-quite-a-smile.

"Seems a bit unfair that you're being so reasonable at me when you're halfway t'wasted."

[mrballisticsdummy]

"I can function wasted. I may not be able to remember later how goddamn poignant I am but, dammit, I am."

He releases his hand.

"I really do want to tear this place apart."

[statementfuckingends]

"Right?" There's no energy there, just exhaustion. It's when he keeps talking that there's audible venom in his tone. "But... s'spect people're gonna start with Elias and Daniel."

[mrballisticsdummy]

"Daniel? The dork in the library?" he wonders, then searches for a more appropriate descriptor. "Jon's own damn inmate? Wow." And he takes a breath. Takes another drink.

Fucker.

"If he wasn't such an easy target, I'd fuck him up myself, but it feels a little too easy, right?"

[statementfuckingends]

"Yeah. People're gonna be rightfully mad at Elias, but he's not the one who put the statement in Jon's room."

[mrballisticsdummy]

Jacobi's quiet for a while.

"Fuck. Why?" he wonders. "He doesn't seem the type. I mean, I don't know him, so maybe he is."

[statementfuckingends]

"He's a fucking coward." Very nearly at normal volume, that one. "He thought siding with Elias was easier than listening to Jon."

[mrballisticsdummy]

Jacobi hesitates there.

He loves Jon.

He loves Jon. But even in his drunken state, he knows how Jon can be. And he's met Elias.

He knows how Elias can be.

"So he went and used him like you thought he would do to me," he mutters. "Only I wasn't dumb enough to actually keep going."

Idiot seems better than coward.

[statementfuckingends]

"Daniel would've known about Elias just as well as you," he mutters, turning his face away. "Probably better if he was as short-sighted as Jon made him sound. Didn't stop him choosing to do it anyway."

[mrballisticsdummy]

Jacobi nods once. "Yeah, the choice is - that's the important part." He sits back, spreading his hands out a bit. But when that doesn't work, when they don't support his weight, he just falls back onto his blankets. "How long are you going to stay before you try and sneak your way out of here?"

[statementfuckingends]

He wants to smile, but his face doesn't quite manage it. "What, you're not gonna help me go stay at Jon's?"