He runs his hand down his face, over his mouth, and pauses there to scratch at a spot near his jaw. Blunt nails run idly over worm scars. Like he's trying to find where the seam is.
But it's only a moment, before he lets his hand drop and shakes his head again. "Doesn't matter. You did what you had to, when you could. 's'more than me." He takes a breath. "All I did was hurt people. Not even proper. Just... pointless."
He shakes his head again, but when he opens his eyes it's just to look at the ceiling.
"'was selfish. Stupid. Couldn't..." The muscles around his eyes pinch, and he shuts them again. "Bloody... tough it out. Couldn't even keep myself together, there's only one reason I didn't lose myself entirely. Better feed for the Eye if I stayed."
"You were scared," he reminds him. "I know. People do weird shit when they're afraid. But - I don't blame you. And I know most people won't. I remember what it was to be a Hunter. I remember the difference in what I needed to do and what were choices."
He sighs, clarity cutting through the vodka. "Most people know you wouldn't choose to hurt them."
"Right?" There's no energy there, just exhaustion. It's when he keeps talking that there's audible venom in his tone. "But... s'spect people're gonna start with Elias and Daniel."
"Daniel? The dork in the library?" he wonders, then searches for a more appropriate descriptor. "Jon's own damn inmate? Wow." And he takes a breath. Takes another drink.
Fucker.
"If he wasn't such an easy target, I'd fuck him up myself, but it feels a little too easy, right?"
"Daniel would've known about Elias just as well as you," he mutters, turning his face away. "Probably better if he was as short-sighted as Jon made him sound. Didn't stop him choosing to do it anyway."
Jacobi nods once. "Yeah, the choice is - that's the important part." He sits back, spreading his hands out a bit. But when that doesn't work, when they don't support his weight, he just falls back onto his blankets. "How long are you going to stay before you try and sneak your way out of here?"
It's Tim's turn to look concerned, and he rolls onto his side, reaches over to rest his hand on Jacobi's arm, stroking gently with his thumb. It doesn't take much of a leap, even as foggy as his head is.
Jacobi shies away from his touch, from the words. "It's fine, Tim. I didn't have to kill him."
But he remembers scrubbing blood from his nails in the shower. He remembers the sounds that he made and the way Jon gripped him in the end. "Get some rest. We'll go to Jon when I'm a little more sober."
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2022-01-21 01:16 pm (UTC)But it's only a moment, before he lets his hand drop and shakes his head again. "Doesn't matter. You did what you had to, when you could. 's'more than me." He takes a breath. "All I did was hurt people. Not even proper. Just... pointless."
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Date: 2022-01-21 01:23 pm (UTC)He holds fast to his hand still, taking a breath.
He considers telling him about Taylor but doesn't. Not yet. Not now.
He just breathes in deep. "Look at me, boss. Getting real good at coming back to fix what I broke. If I can do it, you can."
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Date: 2022-01-21 01:57 pm (UTC)"This rate you'll graduate in no time," he hums. "Still, I owe a few people apologies."
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Date: 2022-01-21 02:03 pm (UTC)"Apologize if you can, but there wasn't much you could do. And you - sacrificed, too."
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Date: 2022-01-21 02:19 pm (UTC)"'was selfish. Stupid. Couldn't..." The muscles around his eyes pinch, and he shuts them again. "Bloody... tough it out. Couldn't even keep myself together, there's only one reason I didn't lose myself entirely. Better feed for the Eye if I stayed."
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Date: 2022-01-21 02:24 pm (UTC)He sighs, clarity cutting through the vodka. "Most people know you wouldn't choose to hurt them."
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Date: 2022-01-21 02:33 pm (UTC)"Seems a bit unfair that you're being so reasonable at me when you're halfway t'wasted."
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Date: 2022-01-21 02:47 pm (UTC)He releases his hand.
"I really do want to tear this place apart."
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Date: 2022-01-21 10:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-01-21 10:28 pm (UTC)Fucker.
"If he wasn't such an easy target, I'd fuck him up myself, but it feels a little too easy, right?"
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Date: 2022-01-21 10:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-01-21 10:36 pm (UTC)"Fuck. Why?" he wonders. "He doesn't seem the type. I mean, I don't know him, so maybe he is."
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Date: 2022-01-21 10:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-01-21 10:51 pm (UTC)He loves Jon.
He loves Jon. But even in his drunken state, he knows how Jon can be. And he's met Elias.
He knows how Elias can be.
"So he went and used him like you thought he would do to me," he mutters. "Only I wasn't dumb enough to actually keep going."
Idiot seems better than coward.
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Date: 2022-01-21 11:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-01-22 06:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-01-22 08:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-01-22 08:19 pm (UTC)"I will. Whenever you want. He's - not awake yet."
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Date: 2022-01-22 08:25 pm (UTC)"I'm so sorry, Jacobi."
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Date: 2022-01-22 08:27 pm (UTC)But he remembers scrubbing blood from his nails in the shower. He remembers the sounds that he made and the way Jon gripped him in the end. "Get some rest. We'll go to Jon when I'm a little more sober."
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Date: 2022-01-22 08:33 pm (UTC)"Jacobi, listen. There wasn't another way it was going to end. Jon knew that. It's not. Your. Fault."
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Date: 2022-01-22 08:35 pm (UTC)Of course it's his fault. He might not have been able to prevent this, but he was supposed to protect Jon. He failed him.
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Date: 2022-01-22 08:46 pm (UTC)"Last one. Promise." Then he'll leave you to wallow, Jacobi, he just has to know. "Who...?"
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Date: 2022-01-22 08:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-01-22 08:58 pm (UTC)"Want your bed back?"
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