"You kidding?" he breathes through another laugh. "Gonna use that in my wedding speech. First time I met you, got you t'swoon about plastic explosives, a week later your homemade Terminator broke my arm and locked me up with a teenage corpse."
"Used t'think I was a pretty good one, 'fore everything."
Before he couldn't protect him the one time it turned out to matter.
And an image flashes in his mind - unbidden, unwanted, forced upon him by Elias. Of being in Danny's eyes, looking up in pain and fear and incomprehension at the clown with its hands under his skin.
Tim's mouth presses tightly shut, and he covers his eyes again. His other hand turns and grips Jacobi's to keep it from trembling.
He's instantly on alert, instantly worried, the alcohol slowing his reaction by only a few seconds. But he's sitting straight up, looking at Tim with the deepest concern.
Jacobi, numbed as he is, seethes but says nothing about it for a moment. He only lets him say it, lets him relax, and he sighs. "Cruel," he says softly. "So goddamn cruel."
He shakes his head. "I'm sorry. I should have gotten to you sooner."
He runs his hand down his face, over his mouth, and pauses there to scratch at a spot near his jaw. Blunt nails run idly over worm scars. Like he's trying to find where the seam is.
But it's only a moment, before he lets his hand drop and shakes his head again. "Doesn't matter. You did what you had to, when you could. 's'more than me." He takes a breath. "All I did was hurt people. Not even proper. Just... pointless."
He shakes his head again, but when he opens his eyes it's just to look at the ceiling.
"'was selfish. Stupid. Couldn't..." The muscles around his eyes pinch, and he shuts them again. "Bloody... tough it out. Couldn't even keep myself together, there's only one reason I didn't lose myself entirely. Better feed for the Eye if I stayed."
"You were scared," he reminds him. "I know. People do weird shit when they're afraid. But - I don't blame you. And I know most people won't. I remember what it was to be a Hunter. I remember the difference in what I needed to do and what were choices."
He sighs, clarity cutting through the vodka. "Most people know you wouldn't choose to hurt them."
"Right?" There's no energy there, just exhaustion. It's when he keeps talking that there's audible venom in his tone. "But... s'spect people're gonna start with Elias and Daniel."
"Daniel? The dork in the library?" he wonders, then searches for a more appropriate descriptor. "Jon's own damn inmate? Wow." And he takes a breath. Takes another drink.
Fucker.
"If he wasn't such an easy target, I'd fuck him up myself, but it feels a little too easy, right?"
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It hurts to talk about him, though. About last words and goodbyes. So he moves on.
"Have you forgiven me for getting your arm broken yet?"
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He sits up but only decides to take another drink.
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"'s'part of being an older brother. You get a special area of your brain dedicated to the shit your family gets up to, s'you can shame 'em later."
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Says the man who exudes little brother energy.
cw canon typical clowns
Before he couldn't protect him the one time it turned out to matter.
And an image flashes in his mind - unbidden, unwanted, forced upon him by Elias. Of being in Danny's eyes, looking up in pain and fear and incomprehension at the clown with its hands under his skin.
Tim's mouth presses tightly shut, and he covers his eyes again. His other hand turns and grips Jacobi's to keep it from trembling.
"God..."
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"Hey, what's wrong?"
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Until, finally. "...Elias found me."
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He brings Tim's hand to his cheek as he leans close. "What happened? What did he say to you?"
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"Show, don't tell. He made me know how... Danny died. And... a-and the not-Sasha."
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He shakes his head. "I'm sorry. I should have gotten to you sooner."
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But it's only a moment, before he lets his hand drop and shakes his head again. "Doesn't matter. You did what you had to, when you could. 's'more than me." He takes a breath. "All I did was hurt people. Not even proper. Just... pointless."
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He holds fast to his hand still, taking a breath.
He considers telling him about Taylor but doesn't. Not yet. Not now.
He just breathes in deep. "Look at me, boss. Getting real good at coming back to fix what I broke. If I can do it, you can."
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"This rate you'll graduate in no time," he hums. "Still, I owe a few people apologies."
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"Apologize if you can, but there wasn't much you could do. And you - sacrificed, too."
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"'was selfish. Stupid. Couldn't..." The muscles around his eyes pinch, and he shuts them again. "Bloody... tough it out. Couldn't even keep myself together, there's only one reason I didn't lose myself entirely. Better feed for the Eye if I stayed."
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He sighs, clarity cutting through the vodka. "Most people know you wouldn't choose to hurt them."
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"Seems a bit unfair that you're being so reasonable at me when you're halfway t'wasted."
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He releases his hand.
"I really do want to tear this place apart."
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Fucker.
"If he wasn't such an easy target, I'd fuck him up myself, but it feels a little too easy, right?"
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"Fuck. Why?" he wonders. "He doesn't seem the type. I mean, I don't know him, so maybe he is."
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He loves Jon.
He loves Jon. But even in his drunken state, he knows how Jon can be. And he's met Elias.
He knows how Elias can be.
"So he went and used him like you thought he would do to me," he mutters. "Only I wasn't dumb enough to actually keep going."
Idiot seems better than coward.
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