mrballisticsdummy

He reaches up and gently trails fingertips across Tim's hand. He knows he's raw. He knows he's hurting.

"Tim. I forced you to tell me. I forced it. I remember that."

His hand tenses at the touch, but he doesn't pull away.

"'s'not how that worked. I was... i-it was Stranger, but. Eye, too. Had to make sure you... you saw what it was, to fear it right." The long sentences are hard, leave him breathless, but he needs Jacobi to understand. "I don't... dunno how you tapped it, but. Stranger, Eye, not as far apart as y'think. Ritual was never gonna work, was it Gertrude, you... y'need to Know t'know...what you're looking at is wrong."

His hand lifts, muscles trembling, and rests on Jacobi's. "You couldn't hurt me, not. Not like that. Told you 'cos I wanted to."

"No. That's what Jon said. But I could have not pushed. I could have backed off. But you needed it. I know you well enough to know what you wanted, even when I didn't know a damn thing."

He lets his fingers rest lightly against his hand.

His next breath is more of a wheeze, hoarse from all that talking. Sore on every point that touches a blanket, touches Jacobi. But he stays still, and there's nearly another faint smile.

"Yeah. You could've." A deeper breath, that calms the following ones down a bit more. "I'm... glad you didn't."

"Yeah, I know," he says and closes his eyes again, folding his arms underneath him.

He doesn't want to talk about what he did. He doesn't even remember how he did it.

He doesn't want to talk about how right it felt in that moment.

"I have something for your skin if you want it," he murmurs. "I know you're not really burned anymore, but it might make it feel better."

He shakes his head gently, and immediately groans softly with regret.

"Won't help. Not yet. Not gonna be able t'put it on."

One eye's easier to open, so he cracks apart his fingers and looks at Jacobi through the gap.

"'m'alright, Daniel. Just... hurts."

Jacobi isn't actually getting up. He's staying right where he is. "Okay," he mutters. "I'm gonna stay right here with you."

He has been by his side most of the time and he doesn't plan on stopping now.

"I'm sorry my last words to you were so shitty."

That almost gets a laugh. Another soft huff.

"'s'not last words if I come back. 's'just... a shitty 'see you later'." He sighs softly. "Mine t'Jon were, 'I don't forgive you'."

Jacobi does laugh at that. "You came back. Here. Here counts But - you can hold a grudge better than anyone I've ever met."

That makes Tim laugh, and it hurts but it's almost the good kind.

"Lots of practice. Wouldn't have made it as far as I did if I couldn't."

"I guess," he laughs. "But you're giving me a run for my money. And you were wrong about Jon."

It hurts to talk about him, though. About last words and goodbyes. So he moves on.

"Have you forgiven me for getting your arm broken yet?"

"You kidding?" he breathes through another laugh. "Gonna use that in my wedding speech. First time I met you, got you t'swoon about plastic explosives, a week later your homemade Terminator broke my arm and locked me up with a teenage corpse."

"You should," he laughs. "I'll toast to that. It also - definitely sounds like all of the other stories people would share about me."

He sits up but only decides to take another drink.

His own laugh fades off a little, but the growing, weak smile on his face is still fond.

"'s'part of being an older brother. You get a special area of your brain dedicated to the shit your family gets up to, s'you can shame 'em later."

"That's probably why my parents decided not to have another kid," he murmurs. "They knew I wouldn't make a good older brother."

Says the man who exudes little brother energy.

"Used t'think I was a pretty good one, 'fore everything."

Before he couldn't protect him the one time it turned out to matter.

And an image flashes in his mind - unbidden, unwanted, forced upon him by Elias. Of being in Danny's eyes, looking up in pain and fear and incomprehension at the clown with its hands under his skin.

Tim's mouth presses tightly shut, and he covers his eyes again. His other hand turns and grips Jacobi's to keep it from trembling.

"God..."

He's instantly on alert, instantly worried, the alcohol slowing his reaction by only a few seconds. But he's sitting straight up, looking at Tim with the deepest concern.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

"Just... stuff's coming back to me," he mumbles, but his grip on Jacobi is deathly tight, and he's quiet for a minute.

Until, finally. "...Elias found me."

"I know," he tells him softly. "You hurt him again."

He brings Tim's hand to his cheek as he leans close. "What happened? What did he say to you?"

He lets his hand be taken, but he doesn't say anything yet. His jaw tightens for a moment, and he visibly forces himself to relax.

"Show, don't tell. He made me know how... Danny died. And... a-and the not-Sasha."

Jacobi, numbed as he is, seethes but says nothing about it for a moment. He only lets him say it, lets him relax, and he sighs. "Cruel," he says softly. "So goddamn cruel."

He shakes his head. "I'm sorry. I should have gotten to you sooner."

He runs his hand down his face, over his mouth, and pauses there to scratch at a spot near his jaw. Blunt nails run idly over worm scars. Like he's trying to find where the seam is.

But it's only a moment, before he lets his hand drop and shakes his head again. "Doesn't matter. You did what you had to, when you could. 's'more than me." He takes a breath. "All I did was hurt people. Not even proper. Just... pointless."

Edited 2022-01-21 13:16 (UTC)

"You didn't want to," he points out. "You didn't want to and when you found a way out, you took it."

He holds fast to his hand still, taking a breath.

He considers telling him about Taylor but doesn't. Not yet. Not now.

He just breathes in deep. "Look at me, boss. Getting real good at coming back to fix what I broke. If I can do it, you can."

That almost gets a proper laugh. Almost.

"This rate you'll graduate in no time," he hums. "Still, I owe a few people apologies."

"Yeah, sure. Make sure you tell the Admiral that," he mutters. But it's a step.

"Apologize if you can, but there wasn't much you could do. And you - sacrificed, too."

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cw canon typical clowns

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