He gives him a Look. And an eyeroll. But he doesn't continue to argue that point. Not after he sees that wince.
So demonstrative now.
"It has nothing to do with you." He's quick to assure him of that. "That was something she and I made sure of. But I - I liked her. She told me about her world. And all of the secrets behind it. I saw her every day, you know. She took me out and trained me every day. It wasn't long but - " But it was effort. It was genuine effort and interest. And Jacobi responded beautifully to it.
"Anyway, I liked her. And she disappeared." He takes a breath. This is the part he'd written down in his notebook over and over again in different ways, trying to figure out how to explain it correctly. How to put it into words. "And I suddenly looked around this place and saw a shipful of people who didn't give a shit. People who couldn't or wouldn't help. Just years and years of angels and ports and losing people, even though they don't die. Just disappearing and there's not a damn thing to do about it. So I wanted to just blow it all to hell. And Connor - Connor was the most efficient way to do it. I had been fucking with him already because, well, he's annoying. So I just escalated it."
He nods, because all of that was why he'd very much cared about her as well. Loved her, in his own way. In the way that was quiet and honest and raw, that they'd shared with each other. She'd understood things even Iris didn't. Gave him somewhere to go with his very specific pain that so few here understood.
"Is there a reason you didn't... why you didn't want to mourn her disappearance with me?"
That had been the question, hadn't it? With Maxwell? The way he'd shut down, the way he'd pretended everything was fine. He'd done it for a specific reason, for his mission, because Hera and the rest of the crew didn't deserve to see his pain, because his mourning involved finishing the job she'd died for. And then this.
He knows there has to be a reason. But he needs to know what it is. From Jacobi.
Jacobi didn't know if he could have articulated the reason before. He knew he had been a hypocrite, but he didn't know if he could answer this particular question.
He untangles one arm from his blanket as he speaks.
"Because being angry feels better than being sad," he tells him, voice cracking a bit. "I'm sad all the fucking time, Warren. It's always there, in the back of my head. I'm real good at keeping it down, but it's like when I tried to just shove my clothes in my dresser as a kid? Sooner or later, dad's going to come in my room and dump all my clothes out on the ground. And so I just have a big mess of sadness and grief just piled on the floor. That's what it's like to be me. And so I had the chance to be mad instead. I wanted to be mad instead. So I was."
Not asking why. Asking if the possibility had even entered his mind. Wondering if there was something he was doing, something that he’d said or done that had closed things off. He’s not perfect, has never pretended that he was. And this whole thing is such a new frontier for them, for him, with quite a few factors making it harder.
He looks up at him then, shaking his head. "No. Because I was going to do what I was going to do and I knew that you would do that thing and talk me out of it without me even knowing it. But - " He sighs. "It was my fuck up, Warren. Not yours. It's one that I'm going to work on. Part of the Plan, you know." Said with very much a capital letter for importance.
"Look. I was wrong. All of that was wrong. I can admit to it."
“I know that,” he says with a nod. He’d vented his spleen, made his points, made his feelings clear. Jacobi’s never been one not to admit his mistakes, when he made them. This isn’t about yelling at Jacobi. This is about finding out.
“‘Talk you out of it’.” Not angry. Looking for clarity. “Do you think I’d gloss over it? Ignore it? Or… genuinely make you feel better?”
He looks up to the ceiling. "I don't know," he says dismissively, but not in a way that ends the conversation. He's thinking. It's a filler phrase, aimed to simply give himself time to really think through it all.
"I don't know if you could make me feel better. I - " He remembers what Jon said, when he told him about Maxwell, about how he can hear her sometimes, when things are bad. When he's at his lowest. He shuts down on that and switches to another line of thinking.
"Not about this, at least. I think I'm a little beyond your help on some things." Dismissive. Quick. He moves on.
"I'm still not used to a Warren Kepler who wants to know what I'm feeling. Man, I don't think anyone gives a shit what I'm feeling. Can you just accept that it's going to take me longer than two months to adjust to that? For my first instinct to be 'hey, I'm feeling really shitty, I think I want to go talk to Kepler about it.' I'm trying and I want to, I really do, but it's a conscious thing I have to do right now."
“You mean you’re not used to a Warren Kepler who, as far as you knew, had a first priority of operational functionality.”
He’s going to make some things clear. Lay them out. No candy coat. And he nods to the question, because that’s not-
“You’re assuming a lot. Starting with the idea that I expect you to be perfect. That I expect you. To have your shit together. To be okay.” He shakes his head. “I’m not.”
He glances back at Jacobi.
“I held you. To the standard that you proposed. And there were consequences. Because you went back on your word. Not. Because you weren’t perfect.” He sits up and looks him firmly in the eyes. “I mean what I said: I’m in for the long haul. I? Understand your head’s all fucked up. Because my head was all fucked up. And I can be here? But. I’m too close. Like you said. ‘Beyond my help’.”
And yes, that rubs up against his issues with control but thankfully he’s had two and a half years of having his life shaken around by the cosmic toddler running the boat to build a bridge and get over it.
“But by the same token? You hurt me. And you did something… ideologically awful. Your method of imploding? Was out and out shitty. And not being angry? Is telling you that that is acceptable. Do you get that?”
He tries not to treat this like he's being dressed down by a superior officer because it's not like that. And yet, in some way, it is. He knows that he disappointed him and that's worse than the anger. He fucked up in a cosmic way and hurt other people, sure, but that doesn't compare to what he did here.
He shifts a bit, meeting his face but trying not to straighten up. Trying to maintain a casual exterior because that's what people do when they have arguments and conversations and discussions with their significant others. They don't snap at attention.
Fortunately, the last bit of that is exceptionally easy. "Yeah," he tells him. "I get it. I didn't say you couldn't be angry at me, for the record."
He lets out a long breath.
"Just - I want to be what I said I could be. And after this? I th - I know what that actually means. A piece of it, at least. But." He pauses here. "I don't expect that you'll trust me again that much right off the bat and that's okay. That's fine. You shouldn't. Just - you don't have to do anything. But I'm going to do things."
And that right there? Is the faith. The faith he always has in Jacobi. Something that’s beyond trust, that’s part of things he knows. Why he would lock them in with an active bomb.
“Do you know that I love you? That fucking up… it doesn’t make me not love you? That being fucked up… doesn’t make me not love you? It just… makes it hard. Especially when-“ does he say this? Does he admit this? Yes. He has to. It’s part of what he agreed to and he will keep his obligations. He… is supposed to have his shit together, “-when I’m so fresh into moving from a position of… of constant support to one where I’m back in the role of… supporting others. In ways that are… different. From my previous position.”
He looks up at Jacobi.
“I’m being honest with you. Not… none of this is your responsibility. But I want you to have the full scope. Especially given… given the man you’re used to dealing with.”
He stands up and crosses the room, abandoning the blanket behind and wrapping his arms around Kepler's neck loosely. "You still have support," he reminds him. "And I don't want you to always have to support me."
It was why working with Hange had been so important to him. It's why Tim is so important. And Jon. And even fucking Dracula. These people in his life who he can go to and bitch to and complain and so that he doesn't have to pile all of that on Warren. So Warren can have everything important and special.
"I have other people," he tells him. "Step...three. So I can sometimes help you." Like he did when he graduated. When everything was overwhelming.
He can’t help that he’s going to pull him in, let his hands slide up and into Jacobi’s damp hair, let one hand settle at the base of his skull with obvious tenderness. And that-
That is why his eyes close in a hard wince.
“You didn’t answer my question, though.”
Does he think he has to be good enough for Kepler to love him?
He sits back and looks at him in confusion for a second, replaying it all in his head. It wasn't a deliberate slight on his part; he had simply gotten lost in all of the other conversation. He had wanted him to know, first and foremost, that there are other things he wanted to address first.
"I know you love me," he finally says, cupping his face. "I didn't realize that was something you worried about. Look, you're a lot of things, and you're far from perfect, but you're a goddamn loyal bastard. And yeah, I panicked a bit at first, but that's just because I'm a mess. But it doesn't mean that I ever really doubt that you love me. Just - god, please don't leave me alone here if you can help it. I know I can't ask anything of you and I shouldn't, but please. Don't."
“You can always ask,” he wants that clear, okay. He wants that crystal. fucking. clear. “And if you want it? You should.”
He turns his head to nuzzle against Jacobi’s palm, lets his nose brush against his wrist, and he can’t help that he can smell the blood there, wants a taste to help them reconnect. But he can’t rely on that. They shouldn’t.
“If I left,” he says, because he wants this clear, “and… I don’t want to. I don’t want to. It would be because I thought… that I. Was making it harder for you. To heal.”
He looks up at Jacobi and his eyes are open, but they’re also Open. No artiface. Nothing but exactly what he says.
“I’m… under no illusion here, Daniel. I don’t… think you did what you did because it was fun. A relief, maybe. An… outlet. Catharsis. But I don’t think you’re… torturing me. I don’t think any of… any of the difficult parts have been something you want. Even when you want to hurt me.”
He gets that. He really really does.
“I want you to be happy, Daniel. That’s… all I’ve ever wanted. That’s what I care about. And we’re equals. We’re partners. We’re… in this together. If I ever left. For real. Not… spoken out of anger. Or in shock. In pain. It would be something we’d agree on. And it would be just for me to wait for you. But what I want? Is to be here.”
It's a simple word, but it's one that means so much. He takes it all in, everything that he says, everything that he means, and he brings it all into himself. He takes a breath, leans in, spurred on a bit by the intimacy of the moment, of the touch, and gives him a gentle tug. He wants to sit with him, be held by him, get back a week's worth of touch and talk that he couldn't have.
"Then I want you to stay for now. Because you make me so goddamn angry, but you make me so goddamn happy, too. And it's always been like that, and that's the way I want it."
"Yeah," he tells him. "Yeah, I know that," he tells him firmly. "But you were probably going to have to see that no matter what I did. And what makes you think it's not going to happen to you? I've already had to handle you being hurt and doing nothing about it. Like what happened in port. So - " He shakes his head.
He looks up at that, and it’s obvious he’s not satisfied with that answer, but he balances it by getting up. They can talk about it til they get to the bed. Til they can wrap around each other.
“You didn’t do nothing. And you know perfectly well your actions made that exponentially more likely. 90% of the time? I’m not in much danger. Even given this place.”
“I just want you to remember. That every time you die? You’ll feel it. And I’ll feel it.”
He slides his hands around Jacobi’s waist and rubs at the sides with his thumbs.
“I’m doing the same thing. Even regardless of my… usual preferences.” Because he knows that being a stable presence is more important than any heroics he could try for. At least, most of the time. As a default, anyway.
“Though there is… one last thing. That I feel I ought to bring up. Before we curl up in bed together for a while.”
As if he could forget that. He couldn't forget that. Couldn't ever forget that what he does has an effect on Kepler because that's something that's been true, even before they were together like that.
He hesitates just before settling down, turning towards him, hands on his shoulders. He just stares up at him, watches him carefully.
He points over to a notebook, a different one, that’s sitting on one of the shelves.
“As per usual with this place? There’s some… weirdness going on at the moment. Which is why I checked that.”
He reaches over and holds it up for Jacobi.
“Fact check in. Look at it every morning. To make sure I know what’s real. And what’s this place… being this place. By which I mean.” He looks back at Jacobi. “I’m assuming? You think I’m a… werewolf? Apparently?”
He raises an eyebrow and looks… well, slightly annoyed.
“Excuse you. Every word was truth.” Which is when he sighs and rubs at the bridge of his nose because this is so weird. Daniel should know this. Daniel has known this. So he feels like quite the fool holding up a finger.
“…don’t do what you did the- well, I guess you’ve never had a first time. But please. Nothing stupid.”
Which is when he lets his head go down and raises it to show that his eyes are glowing a bright green and as he opens his mouth to talk, there are fangs very very easily noticed in his mouth.
“I can’t imagine very much is different. The rest of the notes made it clear… just how similar things are.”
Of course, he doesn't know what he did the first time, but he does know what he does this time. And this time, he lets out a little laugh of disbelief. Because of course this is how this works. Of course this is what's going to happen.
But the one thing that this whole conversation has proven is that Kepler is Kepler. It's a weird sort of mental leap he has to make, but goddamn is he tired of people who aren't people.
"God, I hope you remember all of this after this is over," he tells him, reaching out to pull him down. "Because I don't want to have this conversation over again when you're back to being a wolf."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2021-08-27 04:04 am (UTC)So demonstrative now.
"It has nothing to do with you." He's quick to assure him of that. "That was something she and I made sure of. But I - I liked her. She told me about her world. And all of the secrets behind it. I saw her every day, you know. She took me out and trained me every day. It wasn't long but - " But it was effort. It was genuine effort and interest. And Jacobi responded beautifully to it.
"Anyway, I liked her. And she disappeared." He takes a breath. This is the part he'd written down in his notebook over and over again in different ways, trying to figure out how to explain it correctly. How to put it into words. "And I suddenly looked around this place and saw a shipful of people who didn't give a shit. People who couldn't or wouldn't help. Just years and years of angels and ports and losing people, even though they don't die. Just disappearing and there's not a damn thing to do about it. So I wanted to just blow it all to hell. And Connor - Connor was the most efficient way to do it. I had been fucking with him already because, well, he's annoying. So I just escalated it."
no subject
Date: 2021-08-27 04:12 am (UTC)"Is there a reason you didn't... why you didn't want to mourn her disappearance with me?"
That had been the question, hadn't it? With Maxwell? The way he'd shut down, the way he'd pretended everything was fine. He'd done it for a specific reason, for his mission, because Hera and the rest of the crew didn't deserve to see his pain, because his mourning involved finishing the job she'd died for. And then this.
He knows there has to be a reason. But he needs to know what it is. From Jacobi.
no subject
Date: 2021-08-27 04:23 am (UTC)He untangles one arm from his blanket as he speaks.
"Because being angry feels better than being sad," he tells him, voice cracking a bit. "I'm sad all the fucking time, Warren. It's always there, in the back of my head. I'm real good at keeping it down, but it's like when I tried to just shove my clothes in my dresser as a kid? Sooner or later, dad's going to come in my room and dump all my clothes out on the ground. And so I just have a big mess of sadness and grief just piled on the floor. That's what it's like to be me. And so I had the chance to be mad instead. I wanted to be mad instead. So I was."
He takes a breath.
no subject
Date: 2021-08-27 01:36 pm (UTC)Not asking why. Asking if the possibility had even entered his mind. Wondering if there was something he was doing, something that he’d said or done that had closed things off. He’s not perfect, has never pretended that he was. And this whole thing is such a new frontier for them, for him, with quite a few factors making it harder.
no subject
Date: 2021-08-27 01:44 pm (UTC)"Look. I was wrong. All of that was wrong. I can admit to it."
no subject
Date: 2021-08-27 02:14 pm (UTC)“‘Talk you out of it’.” Not angry. Looking for clarity. “Do you think I’d gloss over it? Ignore it? Or… genuinely make you feel better?”
He can’t assume, won’t assume.
no subject
Date: 2021-08-27 02:30 pm (UTC)"I don't know if you could make me feel better. I - " He remembers what Jon said, when he told him about Maxwell, about how he can hear her sometimes, when things are bad. When he's at his lowest. He shuts down on that and switches to another line of thinking.
"Not about this, at least. I think I'm a little beyond your help on some things." Dismissive. Quick. He moves on.
"I'm still not used to a Warren Kepler who wants to know what I'm feeling. Man, I don't think anyone gives a shit what I'm feeling. Can you just accept that it's going to take me longer than two months to adjust to that? For my first instinct to be 'hey, I'm feeling really shitty, I think I want to go talk to Kepler about it.' I'm trying and I want to, I really do, but it's a conscious thing I have to do right now."
no subject
Date: 2021-08-27 02:41 pm (UTC)He’s going to make some things clear. Lay them out. No candy coat. And he nods to the question, because that’s not-
“You’re assuming a lot. Starting with the idea that I expect you to be perfect. That I expect you. To have your shit together. To be okay.” He shakes his head. “I’m not.”
He glances back at Jacobi.
“I held you. To the standard that you proposed. And there were consequences. Because you went back on your word. Not. Because you weren’t perfect.” He sits up and looks him firmly in the eyes. “I mean what I said: I’m in for the long haul. I? Understand your head’s all fucked up. Because my head was all fucked up. And I can be here? But. I’m too close. Like you said. ‘Beyond my help’.”
And yes, that rubs up against his issues with control but thankfully he’s had two and a half years of having his life shaken around by the cosmic toddler running the boat to build a bridge and get over it.
“But by the same token? You hurt me. And you did something… ideologically awful. Your method of imploding? Was out and out shitty. And not being angry? Is telling you that that is acceptable. Do you get that?”
no subject
Date: 2021-08-27 02:54 pm (UTC)He shifts a bit, meeting his face but trying not to straighten up. Trying to maintain a casual exterior because that's what people do when they have arguments and conversations and discussions with their significant others. They don't snap at attention.
Fortunately, the last bit of that is exceptionally easy. "Yeah," he tells him. "I get it. I didn't say you couldn't be angry at me, for the record."
He lets out a long breath.
"Just - I want to be what I said I could be. And after this? I th - I know what that actually means. A piece of it, at least. But." He pauses here. "I don't expect that you'll trust me again that much right off the bat and that's okay. That's fine. You shouldn't. Just - you don't have to do anything. But I'm going to do things."
no subject
Date: 2021-08-27 03:04 pm (UTC)And that right there? Is the faith. The faith he always has in Jacobi. Something that’s beyond trust, that’s part of things he knows. Why he would lock them in with an active bomb.
“Do you know that I love you? That fucking up… it doesn’t make me not love you? That being fucked up… doesn’t make me not love you? It just… makes it hard. Especially when-“ does he say this? Does he admit this? Yes. He has to. It’s part of what he agreed to and he will keep his obligations. He… is supposed to have his shit together, “-when I’m so fresh into moving from a position of… of constant support to one where I’m back in the role of… supporting others. In ways that are… different. From my previous position.”
He looks up at Jacobi.
“I’m being honest with you. Not… none of this is your responsibility. But I want you to have the full scope. Especially given… given the man you’re used to dealing with.”
no subject
Date: 2021-08-27 03:28 pm (UTC)It was why working with Hange had been so important to him. It's why Tim is so important. And Jon. And even fucking Dracula. These people in his life who he can go to and bitch to and complain and so that he doesn't have to pile all of that on Warren. So Warren can have everything important and special.
"I have other people," he tells him. "Step...three. So I can sometimes help you." Like he did when he graduated. When everything was overwhelming.
no subject
Date: 2021-08-27 04:22 pm (UTC)That is why his eyes close in a hard wince.
“You didn’t answer my question, though.”
Does he think he has to be good enough for Kepler to love him?
no subject
Date: 2021-08-27 04:34 pm (UTC)"I know you love me," he finally says, cupping his face. "I didn't realize that was something you worried about. Look, you're a lot of things, and you're far from perfect, but you're a goddamn loyal bastard. And yeah, I panicked a bit at first, but that's just because I'm a mess. But it doesn't mean that I ever really doubt that you love me. Just - god, please don't leave me alone here if you can help it. I know I can't ask anything of you and I shouldn't, but please. Don't."
no subject
Date: 2021-08-27 04:47 pm (UTC)He turns his head to nuzzle against Jacobi’s palm, lets his nose brush against his wrist, and he can’t help that he can smell the blood there, wants a taste to help them reconnect. But he can’t rely on that. They shouldn’t.
“If I left,” he says, because he wants this clear, “and… I don’t want to. I don’t want to. It would be because I thought… that I. Was making it harder for you. To heal.”
He looks up at Jacobi and his eyes are open, but they’re also Open. No artiface. Nothing but exactly what he says.
“I’m… under no illusion here, Daniel. I don’t… think you did what you did because it was fun. A relief, maybe. An… outlet. Catharsis. But I don’t think you’re… torturing me. I don’t think any of… any of the difficult parts have been something you want. Even when you want to hurt me.”
He gets that. He really really does.
“I want you to be happy, Daniel. That’s… all I’ve ever wanted. That’s what I care about. And we’re equals. We’re partners. We’re… in this together. If I ever left. For real. Not… spoken out of anger. Or in shock. In pain. It would be something we’d agree on. And it would be just for me to wait for you. But what I want? Is to be here.”
no subject
Date: 2021-08-27 04:57 pm (UTC)It's a simple word, but it's one that means so much. He takes it all in, everything that he says, everything that he means, and he brings it all into himself. He takes a breath, leans in, spurred on a bit by the intimacy of the moment, of the touch, and gives him a gentle tug. He wants to sit with him, be held by him, get back a week's worth of touch and talk that he couldn't have.
"Then I want you to stay for now. Because you make me so goddamn angry, but you make me so goddamn happy, too. And it's always been like that, and that's the way I want it."
He can at least say that much.
"Now, what else do you want to know?"
Cw. Graphic violence described
Date: 2021-08-27 05:04 pm (UTC)Because it’s going to happen. And he needs to know if Jacobi thought about it.
“Did you realize I’m probably going to have to see you dead?” And his voice is much more quiet now, because the amount he hates that…
“Your head blown off. Or ripped off. Throat slit. Crushed. That I might have to pick up your corpse. Hold your body.”
He closes his eyes.
“That it’s been flashing in front of my eyes all week?”
no subject
Date: 2021-08-27 05:08 pm (UTC)"Yeah," he tells him. "Yeah, I know that," he tells him firmly. "But you were probably going to have to see that no matter what I did. And what makes you think it's not going to happen to you? I've already had to handle you being hurt and doing nothing about it. Like what happened in port. So - " He shakes his head.
no subject
Date: 2021-08-27 05:12 pm (UTC)“You didn’t do nothing. And you know perfectly well your actions made that exponentially more likely. 90% of the time? I’m not in much danger. Even given this place.”
He nudges Jacobi towards the bed.
“You’re still human.”
no subject
Date: 2021-08-27 05:16 pm (UTC)He runs his fingers through his hair, leading him to bed. "It's not something that I'm exactly thrilled about myself."
no subject
Date: 2021-08-27 05:27 pm (UTC)He slides his hands around Jacobi’s waist and rubs at the sides with his thumbs.
“I’m doing the same thing. Even regardless of my… usual preferences.” Because he knows that being a stable presence is more important than any heroics he could try for. At least, most of the time. As a default, anyway.
“Though there is… one last thing. That I feel I ought to bring up. Before we curl up in bed together for a while.”
no subject
Date: 2021-08-27 05:31 pm (UTC)He hesitates just before settling down, turning towards him, hands on his shoulders. He just stares up at him, watches him carefully.
"Alright. What?"
no subject
Date: 2021-08-27 05:37 pm (UTC)“As per usual with this place? There’s some… weirdness going on at the moment. Which is why I checked that.”
He reaches over and holds it up for Jacobi.
“Fact check in. Look at it every morning. To make sure I know what’s real. And what’s this place… being this place. By which I mean.” He looks back at Jacobi. “I’m assuming? You think I’m a… werewolf? Apparently?”
no subject
Date: 2021-08-27 05:42 pm (UTC)He lets go and sits down heavily. "I thought that story sounded like bullshit."
no subject
Date: 2021-08-27 05:47 pm (UTC)“Excuse you. Every word was truth.” Which is when he sighs and rubs at the bridge of his nose because this is so weird. Daniel should know this. Daniel has known this. So he feels like quite the fool holding up a finger.
“…don’t do what you did the- well, I guess you’ve never had a first time. But please. Nothing stupid.”
Which is when he lets his head go down and raises it to show that his eyes are glowing a bright green and as he opens his mouth to talk, there are fangs very very easily noticed in his mouth.
“I can’t imagine very much is different. The rest of the notes made it clear… just how similar things are.”
no subject
Date: 2021-08-27 06:01 pm (UTC)But the one thing that this whole conversation has proven is that Kepler is Kepler. It's a weird sort of mental leap he has to make, but goddamn is he tired of people who aren't people.
"God, I hope you remember all of this after this is over," he tells him, reaching out to pull him down. "Because I don't want to have this conversation over again when you're back to being a wolf."
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