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[mrballisticsdummy]

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[mrballisticsdummy]

[The response comes a bit later.]

Sure, I'll pencil you into my busy schedule.

What's up?

[no_innocents]

I won't ask the obvious questions. Other than, perhaps, to ask if you're... how you're doing.

[mrballisticsdummy]

Oh, somewhere between regular boredom and straight up existential dread.

Which is where I'm sure they want me to be.

[no_innocents]

'They' being?

[mrballisticsdummy]

A majority of this place.

[no_innocents]

[ There's a pause for a long moment before- ]

Who did you lose?

This time, I mean?

[mrballisticsdummy]

[A long pause.]

I don't know what you mean.

[no_innocents]

If that was the case, you wouldn't have had to think about it.

[mrballisticsdummy]

Her name was Hange. She's alive somewhere, I guess, but either she decided I wasn't worth it and fucked off or the Admiral decided she wasn't worth it and she got shipped off.

Just a temp.

[no_innocents]

I never spoke to Miss Hange overly much, but I did observe her. She came from a singularly difficult world.

I doubt her leaving was her choice.

For... whatever that matters.

[mrballisticsdummy]

It doesn't matter.

You know, they did all kinds of tests on me at my last job. Making sure I wasn't losing my goddamn mind and could handle the pressure. Said I was perfectly fine.

Those tests?

Were a load of crap.

You lose one person and it all goes to shit.

[no_innocents]

No test can gauge the importance of a certain kind of person.

[mrballisticsdummy]

Yeah, well, I've fucked everything up and I'm not even at square one. I'm at square negative ten.

[no_innocents]

And yet, you're aware of such things. Which puts you at least at negative nine.

[mrballisticsdummy]

Small miracles.

Well, I have shit to do now. I have to figure out how to fix things. And I have to keep out of trouble for a long time.

A really fucking long time.

Or I'll keep hurting the person who really matters.

[no_innocents]

Yes, that is quite the rub.

Any thoughts so far?

[mrballisticsdummy]

Yes.

But - I've never had to go back and put shit back together again once I've broken it. Once you blow up a building, you don't just stroll back over and talk to the workers and ask how they're doing.

You can't unfuck it once it's fucked.

cw graphic violence mentioned

[no_innocents]

The inability to just jam the intestines back into someone and pat them on the shoulder is something I've lamented more than once, I will admit.

There are significantly more steps, I find.

[mrballisticsdummy]

Now see, that would be so much easier. I could probably get so much more done with that method.

How did you know? The reason? No one else has figured it out.

Not that anyone else really gives a shit.

[no_innocents]

There is a specific sort of foolishness that comes about even the most clever of individuals in the face of loss like that.

Where the future seems impossible. So the destruction of the present seems the only possibility.

[mrballisticsdummy]

You know I love some philosophy in the evenings.

I'll have to remember that. Might get me out of trouble one day.

[no_innocents]

I clawed my son's chest to ribbons when he stood in the path of my destruction. The mark will not heal and I know it pains him for its existence, to know the father who loves him could harm him so.

It pains us both.

Was the one precious to you injured in the mess or is the wound merely emotional?

[mrballisticsdummy]

Hm. Collateral damage is inevitable, but it doesn't make it easier. But, uh...I forced Connor to keep from killing him, not from harming him.

He'll heal.

[no_innocents]

To be blunt, Jacobi:

Not without attention.

Which I have learned from... several conversations of my own.

[mrballisticsdummy]

I meant physically.

Emotionally? I don't know. I'm not good at that.