It’s because you didn’t betray me. You betrayed her.
The one person I thought you’d never dream of betraying OTHER than me.
You think I think I know everything about you Jacobi? Right now, I’m legitimately trying to figure out if I know anything. What I am to you. What I’m supposed to be.
Love isn’t just something you feel. It isn’t something you say. It’s what you do.
There is nothing you can do, even this, that will make me stop loving you. Stop feeling that way. But I don’t know what to do.
[Which feels like the worst punishment he could endure, but he knows it's not.]
It just all closed in and I thought maybe I'd get sent back. Maybe if I did something bad enough, I could just go back and face whatever consequences there are at home.
If you can't give me another chance, then just know I only did it because I didn't think I had another way out.
Take that ‘give me another chance’ bullshit and shove it up your ass, Jacobi. You can’t get rid of me. That. Is not what I meant. That is never what I mean. And you need to get that through your skull.
Another way out? Try anything. Say anything.
You get to tell her when she’s back.
And for this week, you get an assignment: figure out how to fix what you broke. With me. With Connor. With Rita. With everyone.
I’ll put it in small words so we’re perfectly clear:
If I leave? It’s to wait for you. Until you have your shit together.
Until I know that Maxwell would be safe around you. I am not putting in the work of getting her back only for you to lose your shit at getting exactly what you wanted and blowing it up because you don’t know how to be happy and you don’t feel like you deserve it.
Because now is the section where you shut the entire fucking way up.
Because if the only time when I can depend on you to tell me something is after you do things, I’m going to have to guess. And that’s my guess. I tried the whole ‘believe you’ll tell me before hand’ part and got my kneecaps shot out for the trouble.
I love you. I would die a true death for you again. I will live every day of my life for you.
I don’t trust you. Because I’m not an idiot. You have to earn that back.
Luckily for you? I have full faith in your capabilities.
As for your reasons? We’re not discussing those until we’re in a room together. And I won’t be doing that for a week.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2021-08-16 06:43 pm (UTC)It’s because you didn’t betray me. You betrayed her.
The one person I thought you’d never dream of betraying OTHER than me.
You think I think I know everything about you Jacobi? Right now, I’m legitimately trying to figure out if I know anything. What I am to you. What I’m supposed to be.
Love isn’t just something you feel. It isn’t something you say. It’s what you do.
There is nothing you can do, even this, that will make me stop loving you. Stop feeling that way. But I don’t know what to do.
That’s why I’m tired.
no subject
Date: 2021-08-16 07:01 pm (UTC)[Which feels like the worst punishment he could endure, but he knows it's not.]
It just all closed in and I thought maybe I'd get sent back. Maybe if I did something bad enough, I could just go back and face whatever consequences there are at home.
If you can't give me another chance, then just know I only did it because I didn't think I had another way out.
I didn't mean to betray her.
no subject
Date: 2021-08-16 07:09 pm (UTC)Another way out? Try anything. Say anything.
You get to tell her when she’s back.
And for this week, you get an assignment: figure out how to fix what you broke. With me. With Connor. With Rita. With everyone.
You ignore it and I’ll know how you feel.
no subject
Date: 2021-08-16 07:24 pm (UTC)Jesus.
I'll figure something out.
no subject
Date: 2021-08-16 07:43 pm (UTC)If I leave? It’s to wait for you. Until you have your shit together.
Until I know that Maxwell would be safe around you. I am not putting in the work of getting her back only for you to lose your shit at getting exactly what you wanted and blowing it up because you don’t know how to be happy and you don’t feel like you deserve it.
So while you’ve got literally nothing else to do?
Figure it out. Like a goddamn adult.
no subject
Date: 2021-08-16 07:51 pm (UTC)You said you didn't care about my reasons, so don't pretend to know them now. I'll tell you when you ask. Until then? Stop telling me what I feel.
And I said I'd do it, so I'll do it.
no subject
Date: 2021-08-16 08:00 pm (UTC)Because now is the section where you shut the entire fucking way up.
Because if the only time when I can depend on you to tell me something is after you do things, I’m going to have to guess. And that’s my guess. I tried the whole ‘believe you’ll tell me before hand’ part and got my kneecaps shot out for the trouble.
I love you. I would die a true death for you again. I will live every day of my life for you.
I don’t trust you. Because I’m not an idiot. You have to earn that back.
Luckily for you? I have full faith in your capabilities.
As for your reasons? We’re not discussing those until we’re in a room together. And I won’t be doing that for a week.
no subject
Date: 2021-08-16 08:20 pm (UTC)[And now he will shut the entire fucking way up.]
no subject
Date: 2021-08-16 08:22 pm (UTC)Talk to you in a week.