They don't get to be victims. I've played that card. I'm really good at that card. But it's old and it's worn out and I don't think any amount of swiping is going to make it work for me anymore.
So I'm fine. I'll continue to be fine.
I just lost sight of what's important. Won't happen again. That's what I'm working on.
I categorically refuse everything you just said. Willing yourself to be fine emotionally is like willing yourself past a- a heart attack: it’s not possible and you’ll probably only do more damage.
Most assholes were once victims. Whether they realize it or not. It doesn’t excuse it, of course, but it also doesn’t change it.
I won’t say I don’t care what you’ve done because I do, but I will say there is a great difference between ‘playing’ a card for your own ends and someone being aware how fucking hard it is to face your own shit.
It wasn't empty. And I don't regret it. I honestly forget about it most of the time.
Tell me again why anyone should give a shit when I have a bad day.
I know who and what I am. And, for the most part, it's worked out just fine. Look, I have a plan. Part of that plan is talking about my feelings and all that so this doesn't all pile up like the world's worst traffic jam. I'm not great at it, but I'll do it. You say you want to be there when it happens? Well, baby, you're in luck. Because you're really pissing me off right now.
But don't tell me that anyone actually cares when I'm sad or mad outside of how it affects them.
If you think people’s empathy should not extend to you, then your ‘not thinking about it’ is avoidance. Or repression. Not apathy, however much you wish it was.
[ Faster and a little louder. ]
And yes, actually. I do care if you’re hurting or lost or any of that and not because it might affect me. The fact that I had to be brutalized in the hallway to know about it pisses me off but given I’m about as likely to tell anyone my emotional well-being I can at least understand.
Why am I pissing you off? Because I won’t just let you go on behaving the exact same way you always have expecting a different result? Or is it something else?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I'll fucking lose everything if I don't fix this.
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You know that isn’t what I mean. The goal isn’t to stay there. But it’s not-
Trying to walk wounded isn’t the solution either.
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They don't get to be victims. I've played that card. I'm really good at that card. But it's old and it's worn out and I don't think any amount of swiping is going to make it work for me anymore.
So I'm fine. I'll continue to be fine.
I just lost sight of what's important. Won't happen again. That's what I'm working on.
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I categorically refuse everything you just said. Willing yourself to be fine emotionally is like willing yourself past a- a heart attack: it’s not possible and you’ll probably only do more damage.
Most assholes were once victims. Whether they realize it or not. It doesn’t excuse it, of course, but it also doesn’t change it.
I won’t say I don’t care what you’ve done because I do, but I will say there is a great difference between ‘playing’ a card for your own ends and someone being aware how fucking hard it is to face your own shit.
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It wasn't empty. And I don't regret it. I honestly forget about it most of the time.
Tell me again why anyone should give a shit when I have a bad day.
I know who and what I am. And, for the most part, it's worked out just fine. Look, I have a plan. Part of that plan is talking about my feelings and all that so this doesn't all pile up like the world's worst traffic jam. I'm not great at it, but I'll do it. You say you want to be there when it happens? Well, baby, you're in luck. Because you're really pissing me off right now.
But don't tell me that anyone actually cares when I'm sad or mad outside of how it affects them.
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If you think people’s empathy should not extend to you, then your ‘not thinking about it’ is avoidance. Or repression. Not apathy, however much you wish it was.
[ Faster and a little louder. ]
And yes, actually. I do care if you’re hurting or lost or any of that and not because it might affect me. The fact that I had to be brutalized in the hallway to know about it pisses me off but given I’m about as likely to tell anyone my emotional well-being I can at least understand.
Why am I pissing you off? Because I won’t just let you go on behaving the exact same way you always have expecting a different result? Or is it something else?
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[It will be another twelve hours before he checks this again.]
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You’re getting text because I’m in bed but that was not an answer.
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Jon. I got pissed at you because you keep pushing this narrative that doesn't exist.
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What narrative?
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The narrative that people actually care outside their own sphere.
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Projecting your coping mechanisms on others doesn’t make it true.
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Look, I know I'm doing the 'well, why can you care about people but other people can't care about you' thing. I know I am.
If I knew how to stop, I definitely would.
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I'll put it in my inspo journal.
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But you're not me.
If you were, you'd be more handsome.
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If I were you, I probably wouldn't have been nearly eaten alive by flesh-eating worms either. Point?
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Though maybe you would have been sucked into a star. That seems your luck.
You're taking up all of my break times. I hope you know that.
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And you're the one answering and you're 'pissed' with me so I'm either more amusing or I'm the only one in the queue.
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Not many people beating down my door to talk to me.
Go to sleep, Jon. You'll keep the boyfriend awake.
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