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[mrballisticsdummy]

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[epistemological]

...there is... honestly... a great deal wrong with quite a lot of what you've just said. Which is not- I'm not trying to condemn, I'm just- there's a lot of unhealthy things here.

You're fine now. But what about next week, when this place sends a new bout of oddness and awfulness our way? I know none of us can claim absolutely we'll be 'fine' then but... but you have to realize that this kind o-of catharsis is temporary. And it'll only make the eventual... the eventualdrop even worse.

You still have friends. You still- I'm still- if we were friends then we still are friends, as... as displeased as I was. Am. Christ.

...I am annoyed you've apparently decided my story was something to try and emulate. Not the point, Daniel. Not hardly.

[mrballisticsdummy]

And that right there? "I'm annoyed that blah blah blah-" That's one of the things I'm working on. Just straight up saying what I'm feeling like anyone gives a shit. Weird.

Do you know what I did when shit went bad at home? I focused on my job. The mission. I had an objective and I carried it out. The world could cave in around me and I wouldn't care because there was something in front of me.

Without that?

Yeah, I'm a goddamn nightmare. So is it healthy? No. But it's what I have right now. And I have a mission. I have an objective. So when I get out of here and they rip me apart six ways from Sunday? I'll at least have my mission.

Speaking of, I have three minutes left. So if you want to continue this, it will have to be at next break.

[epistemological]

…I wish I could say they won’t but unfortunately revenge killing is very common.

And you’re not- I’ve done the same thing. Focused on my job. It’s- it’s also temporary. As you’re seeing. I-it’s good to have a goal, but-

Things collapsing around you isn’t okay. For you or it. I just-

Please, Daniel. There are people here who want to listen. To how you feel o-or what’s falling down or anything else. I won’t- I won’t take up more than you’ve offered. But you know where to find me. Or. Call me, for the next few days.

Please.

[mrballisticsdummy]

[He's nothing if not disciplined. It's a full eight hours before he responds.]

Things are always collapsing around me, Jon. That's literally what I do. I don't usually let it get out of control. And when it does? Well, there's an acceptable margin of error.

This just went outside that margin and now I have to figure out how to clean up the mess.

Look, don't worry. I've got this handled. Me and this notebook and this little cell? We've got all this covered.

[epistemological]

…you realize it’s all right if you don’t, yes? That if you’re a goddamn mess, that’s… that’s a thing that happens.

[mrballisticsdummy]

Oh yeah. I can just waltz on out of here with nothing figured out and everything will be fine.

I'll fucking lose everything if I don't fix this.

[epistemological]

Daniel.

You know that isn’t what I mean. The goal isn’t to stay there. But it’s not-

Trying to walk wounded isn’t the solution either.

[mrballisticsdummy]

People who do the things I've done?

They don't get to be victims. I've played that card. I'm really good at that card. But it's old and it's worn out and I don't think any amount of swiping is going to make it work for me anymore.

So I'm fine. I'll continue to be fine.

I just lost sight of what's important. Won't happen again. That's what I'm working on.

[epistemological]

No.

I categorically refuse everything you just said. Willing yourself to be fine emotionally is like willing yourself past a- a heart attack: it’s not possible and you’ll probably only do more damage.

Most assholes were once victims. Whether they realize it or not. It doesn’t excuse it, of course, but it also doesn’t change it.

I won’t say I don’t care what you’ve done because I do, but I will say there is a great difference between ‘playing’ a card for your own ends and someone being aware how fucking hard it is to face your own shit.

[mrballisticsdummy]

I blew up a hospital once.

It wasn't empty. And I don't regret it. I honestly forget about it most of the time.

Tell me again why anyone should give a shit when I have a bad day.

I know who and what I am. And, for the most part, it's worked out just fine. Look, I have a plan. Part of that plan is talking about my feelings and all that so this doesn't all pile up like the world's worst traffic jam. I'm not great at it, but I'll do it. You say you want to be there when it happens? Well, baby, you're in luck. Because you're really pissing me off right now.

But don't tell me that anyone actually cares when I'm sad or mad outside of how it affects them.

[epistemological]

[ Very slowly. ]

If you think people’s empathy should not extend to you, then your ‘not thinking about it’ is avoidance. Or repression. Not apathy, however much you wish it was.

[ Faster and a little louder. ]

And yes, actually. I do care if you’re hurting or lost or any of that and not because it might affect me. The fact that I had to be brutalized in the hallway to know about it pisses me off but given I’m about as likely to tell anyone my emotional well-being I can at least understand.

Why am I pissing you off? Because I won’t just let you go on behaving the exact same way you always have expecting a different result? Or is it something else?

[mrballisticsdummy]

[He adopts a higher pitched tone, mimicking an automated voice.] Sorry, you've reached the limit for this call. Try again goddamn later.

[It will be another twelve hours before he checks this again.]

[epistemological]

[ Yes well, he’ll see a message roughly a second after he picks it up. ]

You’re getting text because I’m in bed but that was not an answer.

[mrballisticsdummy]

Why are you so obsessed with me?

Jon. I got pissed at you because you keep pushing this narrative that doesn't exist.

[epistemological]

Believe me this is not obsessed.

What narrative?

[mrballisticsdummy]

Oh my god, please get some culture.

The narrative that people actually care outside their own sphere.

[epistemological]

Either offer to show me the whatever you’re referencing or shut up about it.

Projecting your coping mechanisms on others doesn’t make it true.

[mrballisticsdummy]

I'll show you when I'm out.

Look, I know I'm doing the 'well, why can you care about people but other people can't care about you' thing. I know I am.

If I knew how to stop, I definitely would.

[epistemological]

Start by accepting it's possible, even if you don't understand it.

[mrballisticsdummy]

Wow. So wise, Jon. Thanks for that.

I'll put it in my inspo journal.

[epistemological]

You asked a question and I answered. Or did you think I hadn't done this myself?

[mrballisticsdummy]

Definitely didn't ask a question.

But you're not me.

If you were, you'd be more handsome.

[epistemological]

You were shitty in a way requesting an answer. There. Accuracy.

If I were you, I probably wouldn't have been nearly eaten alive by flesh-eating worms either. Point?

[mrballisticsdummy]

Oh probably. And you'd be a lot less likable. Or more. I can't tell.

Though maybe you would have been sucked into a star. That seems your luck.

You're taking up all of my break times. I hope you know that.

[epistemological]

Funny you say that, as I've actually devoured a star once. Of a kind, at least.

And you're the one answering and you're 'pissed' with me so I'm either more amusing or I'm the only one in the queue.