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[mrballisticsdummy]

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A couple days after the shenanigans | private

[epistemological]

As per Rita’s request, I won’t be visiting. However, I would like to know if any of that was about what we’d talked about, given your… chosen avenue of shittiness.

If I played a part in that… I’m sorry. I… I thought it would help.

[mrballisticsdummy]

[As with all his messages, there's no reply right away. Jacobi is checking only at set intervals, having put himself on a strict schedule.]

Are you really that desperate to hate yourself more, man?

You didn't have anything to do with this. As much as I'd love to foist responsibility off on someone else, that's not how this can play out.

[epistemological]

…all right then, well.

Did you know that both a nose and ribs hurt more healing at high speed than the actual breaking? I even got to do comparative analysis re: my nose.

When I woke up in the closet.

[ Yeah, FYI. ]

[mrballisticsdummy]

I thought you were out a rib or two anyway.

If I apologized, would you believe me?

[epistemological]

That actually made it worse since those areas were less protected but I digress…

As per an apology: yes, actually. I’ve done some truly stupid things in my life. It gives you perspective.

And you strike me as the kind of person who, if they thought to offer one as anything other than a joke, would mean it.

[mrballisticsdummy]

Then I'm sorry.

Congratulations. You get the first real apology. There's a few I don't actually care to apologize to yet, but I guess I'll have to eventually.

But if I don't mean it, then there's no reason to waste the breath. And - uh - I usually know when jokes won't land.

[epistemological]

Yes, that’s about what I thought.

[ There is the sound of a deep sigh. ]

I’m assuming you already know how shitty that was so I won’t be boring. But, if I may, considering… what the fuck, Daniel?

[mrballisticsdummy]

I don't know if there's an answer that's going to be good enough for you.

But hey, if it makes you feel better, even my imaginary friend thinks I'm an asshole, so there's that.

[epistemological]

I’m more worried about why you have an imaginary friend.

And try me.

[mrballisticsdummy]

It's - uh. Maxwell. My friend. Sometimes, when shit happens, I think I can still hear her. Guiding me through shit. Happened once before.

I know it's just my imagination, though. It's not her ghost or me hearing voices. It's not a big deal.

[Maybe don't talk back to it then, Daniel...]

But uh - she'd be pissed at me if she knew.

When she knows, I guess. When we get her back, I'm supposed to tell her myself.

[epistemological]

First off... are you sure it's... not one of those things? A-and if it isn't, you, uh, you may consider counseling. It is offered here, and I've heard Jedao is actually somewhat good at it, for all that he hates me. Zagreus is the warden responsible and he's a very sweet young, er, god. Of the underworld. So take that as you may.

Did she, uh, insist on you being the one to tell... her?

[mrballisticsdummy]

I'm fine. This is why I don't say shit.

And no. It was my idea. I know I need to tell her when we get her back.

Anyway, the reason I did it was because this place sucks. Everything sucks. And that's the end.

[epistemological]

...has it occurred to you that perhaps 'fine' people do not do what you just did? Just... food for thought.

I'm assuming something specific sucked, in this case. Since you didn't do it last week or the week before.

[mrballisticsdummy]

I'm fine now. I'm not going to do it again.

I just thought, for a little while, that everything would work out. Everything was good. I had honest-to-god friends. Me! Mr. Personable.

And there was actually someone willing to help me. Someone I didn't immediately hate.

Hoenstly, it was just a game for a while with Connor. I wanted to see what I could do. What I could get away with. Just a project to keep occupied. A shitty one, I'll admit. But hey. I'm not a saint.

And then it all blew up when Hange left. And everything forward seemed so goddamn bleak. So I thought I'd just blow it out of the water and they'd all hate me and make me leave somehow.

Like they tried to do with you.

[epistemological]

...there is... honestly... a great deal wrong with quite a lot of what you've just said. Which is not- I'm not trying to condemn, I'm just- there's a lot of unhealthy things here.

You're fine now. But what about next week, when this place sends a new bout of oddness and awfulness our way? I know none of us can claim absolutely we'll be 'fine' then but... but you have to realize that this kind o-of catharsis is temporary. And it'll only make the eventual... the eventualdrop even worse.

You still have friends. You still- I'm still- if we were friends then we still are friends, as... as displeased as I was. Am. Christ.

...I am annoyed you've apparently decided my story was something to try and emulate. Not the point, Daniel. Not hardly.

[mrballisticsdummy]

And that right there? "I'm annoyed that blah blah blah-" That's one of the things I'm working on. Just straight up saying what I'm feeling like anyone gives a shit. Weird.

Do you know what I did when shit went bad at home? I focused on my job. The mission. I had an objective and I carried it out. The world could cave in around me and I wouldn't care because there was something in front of me.

Without that?

Yeah, I'm a goddamn nightmare. So is it healthy? No. But it's what I have right now. And I have a mission. I have an objective. So when I get out of here and they rip me apart six ways from Sunday? I'll at least have my mission.

Speaking of, I have three minutes left. So if you want to continue this, it will have to be at next break.

[epistemological]

…I wish I could say they won’t but unfortunately revenge killing is very common.

And you’re not- I’ve done the same thing. Focused on my job. It’s- it’s also temporary. As you’re seeing. I-it’s good to have a goal, but-

Things collapsing around you isn’t okay. For you or it. I just-

Please, Daniel. There are people here who want to listen. To how you feel o-or what’s falling down or anything else. I won’t- I won’t take up more than you’ve offered. But you know where to find me. Or. Call me, for the next few days.

Please.

[mrballisticsdummy]

[He's nothing if not disciplined. It's a full eight hours before he responds.]

Things are always collapsing around me, Jon. That's literally what I do. I don't usually let it get out of control. And when it does? Well, there's an acceptable margin of error.

This just went outside that margin and now I have to figure out how to clean up the mess.

Look, don't worry. I've got this handled. Me and this notebook and this little cell? We've got all this covered.

[epistemological]

…you realize it’s all right if you don’t, yes? That if you’re a goddamn mess, that’s… that’s a thing that happens.

[mrballisticsdummy]

Oh yeah. I can just waltz on out of here with nothing figured out and everything will be fine.

I'll fucking lose everything if I don't fix this.

[epistemological]

Daniel.

You know that isn’t what I mean. The goal isn’t to stay there. But it’s not-

Trying to walk wounded isn’t the solution either.

[mrballisticsdummy]

People who do the things I've done?

They don't get to be victims. I've played that card. I'm really good at that card. But it's old and it's worn out and I don't think any amount of swiping is going to make it work for me anymore.

So I'm fine. I'll continue to be fine.

I just lost sight of what's important. Won't happen again. That's what I'm working on.

[epistemological]

No.

I categorically refuse everything you just said. Willing yourself to be fine emotionally is like willing yourself past a- a heart attack: it’s not possible and you’ll probably only do more damage.

Most assholes were once victims. Whether they realize it or not. It doesn’t excuse it, of course, but it also doesn’t change it.

I won’t say I don’t care what you’ve done because I do, but I will say there is a great difference between ‘playing’ a card for your own ends and someone being aware how fucking hard it is to face your own shit.

[mrballisticsdummy]

I blew up a hospital once.

It wasn't empty. And I don't regret it. I honestly forget about it most of the time.

Tell me again why anyone should give a shit when I have a bad day.

I know who and what I am. And, for the most part, it's worked out just fine. Look, I have a plan. Part of that plan is talking about my feelings and all that so this doesn't all pile up like the world's worst traffic jam. I'm not great at it, but I'll do it. You say you want to be there when it happens? Well, baby, you're in luck. Because you're really pissing me off right now.

But don't tell me that anyone actually cares when I'm sad or mad outside of how it affects them.

[epistemological]

[ Very slowly. ]

If you think people’s empathy should not extend to you, then your ‘not thinking about it’ is avoidance. Or repression. Not apathy, however much you wish it was.

[ Faster and a little louder. ]

And yes, actually. I do care if you’re hurting or lost or any of that and not because it might affect me. The fact that I had to be brutalized in the hallway to know about it pisses me off but given I’m about as likely to tell anyone my emotional well-being I can at least understand.

Why am I pissing you off? Because I won’t just let you go on behaving the exact same way you always have expecting a different result? Or is it something else?