"Not for my sake," he says a little more quietly, "for- for Martin. I just-
"I know how far he'll bend to try and make me happy. I know how much he'll twist himself into pieces. A-and I know how close to the Lonely he is. It all- all of it feels like- like I'll only hurt him no matter what I do."
"I mean, I could. Perhaps- perhaps I even should. He.. practically gave himself up to the Lonely for me. It was- it was for me, for all that I hated it."
"Yeah, but he shouldn't. You kind of...already showed your priorities, you know. And it's okay that Martin wasn't at the top. But if he wants something you don't want, then it's not fair, is it?"
He sighs. "Look, I was a really shitty boyfriend once. And he didn't deserve what I did to him. And I should have let him go a long time before he hated me."
There's just a nod, though it's obvious Jon's barely able to breathe at the thought. Martin is-
He loves Martin.
He. loves. Martin.
...but he'll be damned if he'll hurt him anymore. Or make him watch as Jon loses his bloody mind out of boredom and grows bitter. The idea of snapping at him again like he used to makes his empty stomach clench.
"I... I hope he'll allow for friendship. I'd understand if he didn't."
"I get the sinking suspicion that you'd support me through the most horrendous decisions," he says mildly. And then he's leaning a little, eyes closed.
And Jacobi, who spent his time on Clipper not losing any of his strength, slides his hands around Jon and just picks him up bridal-style. He might be on the short side, but Jon is not difficult to maneuver.
"Alright, darling. Across the threshold. To the bed."
"Ha ha," he murmurs as he leans up against Jacobi. He's smaller, now. He'd gotten some muscle and some bulk from being in the Flotilla, from being a pirate. His death has taken that all away. He's thinner now, fed like he'd claimed, but thinner.
Jacobi will putter around a little in the room. Turning off lights, making sure cats aren't hiding somewhere. And then he's crawling into the bed with him, an arm around his side.
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Because pedantics over everything. Especially when he's being coddled. He'll lean into the kiss. And he hates that he has to ask but-
"...do you think I'm doing the right thing?"
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"Yeah. I do. You aren't - devastated by this, Jon. You've gotten more emotional about random shit than this."
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"Not for my sake," he says a little more quietly, "for- for Martin. I just-
"I know how far he'll bend to try and make me happy. I know how much he'll twist himself into pieces. A-and I know how close to the Lonely he is. It all- all of it feels like- like I'll only hurt him no matter what I do."
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He says it carefully, but he's not shielding him from the truth.
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"I did. Regardless of what I thought, I did."
He swallows.
"And he'd... he'd probably forgive me that too."
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He sighs. "Look, I was a really shitty boyfriend once. And he didn't deserve what I did to him. And I should have let him go a long time before he hated me."
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He loves Martin.
He. loves. Martin.
...but he'll be damned if he'll hurt him anymore. Or make him watch as Jon loses his bloody mind out of boredom and grows bitter. The idea of snapping at him again like he used to makes his empty stomach clench.
"I... I hope he'll allow for friendship. I'd understand if he didn't."
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He gives him a gentle nudge again. "It'll be alright," he promises him.
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"I know."
A breath out.
"He'll be happy. I know he will be. Not- not at first. But he's- he's lovely. Always has been. I'm the one that had to pull my head out of my arse.
"He'll be fine. Better if it's without me."
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He's already starting to feel ill about this.
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"You know, I say go for it. I might be biased, though."
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He's already hurting. But he's made the decision.
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"Alright, I'm going to kidnap you now."
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"All right."
He... kind of wants to rest now. Even aside from losing at Mario Kart.
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"Alright, darling. Across the threshold. To the bed."
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And he's starting to fade.
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Jacobi will putter around a little in the room. Turning off lights, making sure cats aren't hiding somewhere. And then he's crawling into the bed with him, an arm around his side.
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Which is when he drops off, exhausted by all of it. And finally somewhere safe.