You don't even try with me. You just assume you know everything about me and then when shit happens? You come after me, thinking I just did this for no goddamn reason?
When have I ever. EVER. Done something for no reason?
I know you did this for a reason. And when I’m not so angry I can barely see? Maybe I’ll care.
You told me you were up for partnership. This? Isn’t partnership.
You told me you were ready to be equals. This? Isn’t having your SHIT together.
Right now?
I don’t GIVE a shit why you did it, Jacobi. Because if you want me to know how you’re feeling? It is not my goddamn responsibility to psychically know to ask you how you’re feeling and when and if you’re going to go nuclear and violate someone to get them to murder half the fucking ship.
It is your responsibility to tell me BEFORE you go breaking shit. I’m not your goddamn nanny to come asking after you start flinging baby food why baby is so fussy.
Or are we both just a means to make you feel less alone?
After all, you turned a gun on me during an active mission. And you just violated the hell out of everything she ever worked for. We both trusted you, believed in you, and look at how you used that trust.
Were we just convenient monsters, Jacobi? Is that what it is? Is that what this is about?
Do you even love either of us, or do you just love the idea that someone loved you?
It sure as fuck feels like the latter. And it’s going to take more than a piss poor ‘excuse’ to make me believe otherwise.
That’s where I am right now. That’s why it’s pointless.
It’s because you didn’t betray me. You betrayed her.
The one person I thought you’d never dream of betraying OTHER than me.
You think I think I know everything about you Jacobi? Right now, I’m legitimately trying to figure out if I know anything. What I am to you. What I’m supposed to be.
Love isn’t just something you feel. It isn’t something you say. It’s what you do.
There is nothing you can do, even this, that will make me stop loving you. Stop feeling that way. But I don’t know what to do.
[Which feels like the worst punishment he could endure, but he knows it's not.]
It just all closed in and I thought maybe I'd get sent back. Maybe if I did something bad enough, I could just go back and face whatever consequences there are at home.
If you can't give me another chance, then just know I only did it because I didn't think I had another way out.
Take that ‘give me another chance’ bullshit and shove it up your ass, Jacobi. You can’t get rid of me. That. Is not what I meant. That is never what I mean. And you need to get that through your skull.
Another way out? Try anything. Say anything.
You get to tell her when she’s back.
And for this week, you get an assignment: figure out how to fix what you broke. With me. With Connor. With Rita. With everyone.
I’ll put it in small words so we’re perfectly clear:
If I leave? It’s to wait for you. Until you have your shit together.
Until I know that Maxwell would be safe around you. I am not putting in the work of getting her back only for you to lose your shit at getting exactly what you wanted and blowing it up because you don’t know how to be happy and you don’t feel like you deserve it.
Because now is the section where you shut the entire fucking way up.
Because if the only time when I can depend on you to tell me something is after you do things, I’m going to have to guess. And that’s my guess. I tried the whole ‘believe you’ll tell me before hand’ part and got my kneecaps shot out for the trouble.
I love you. I would die a true death for you again. I will live every day of my life for you.
I don’t trust you. Because I’m not an idiot. You have to earn that back.
Luckily for you? I have full faith in your capabilities.
As for your reasons? We’re not discussing those until we’re in a room together. And I won’t be doing that for a week.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
After The Massacre
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Maxwell's dead, remember? She can't get any more betrayed.
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I can’t forgive this.
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Why would I expect you to understand?
You don't even try with me. You just assume you know everything about me and then when shit happens? You come after me, thinking I just did this for no goddamn reason?
When have I ever. EVER. Done something for no reason?
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You told me you were up for partnership. This? Isn’t partnership.
You told me you were ready to be equals. This? Isn’t having your SHIT together.
Right now?
I don’t GIVE a shit why you did it, Jacobi. Because if you want me to know how you’re feeling? It is not my goddamn responsibility to psychically know to ask you how you’re feeling and when and if you’re going to go nuclear and violate someone to get them to murder half the fucking ship.
It is your responsibility to tell me BEFORE you go breaking shit. I’m not your goddamn nanny to come asking after you start flinging baby food why baby is so fussy.
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But you still can't forgive me?
So does it actually matter?
Warren.
What are you going to do?
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And I don’t know.
I knew, when he shot my kneecaps out. Instead of shooting me in the head. I knew it was you.
And while I was bleeding there, I tried to think. I’ve been trying to figure out what I’m going to do.
I want to go home.
I’m tired. And I’m starting to wonder if there’s a point to staying.
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Don't be stupid.
Look, give up on me if you want. But not her.
I'll do whatever.
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Good to know.
Or are we both just a means to make you feel less alone?
After all, you turned a gun on me during an active mission. And you just violated the hell out of everything she ever worked for. We both trusted you, believed in you, and look at how you used that trust.
Were we just convenient monsters, Jacobi? Is that what it is? Is that what this is about?
Do you even love either of us, or do you just love the idea that someone loved you?
It sure as fuck feels like the latter. And it’s going to take more than a piss poor ‘excuse’ to make me believe otherwise.
That’s where I am right now. That’s why it’s pointless.
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I just know that if you leave and don't come back, you'll regret it. And I don't want you to regret it.
I love her. And if I was using you to get her back, I could have just let you confess and walked away. Let you live your life and me live mine.
I don't want that. I love you. And I know it doesn't seem like it but I'm trying.
Everything just got so fucked so fast. There was nothing you could have done to fix it. You're not in charge of me.
This was so big.
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I should have said something.
I don't have an excuse.
I let it get out of control.
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It’s because you didn’t betray me. You betrayed her.
The one person I thought you’d never dream of betraying OTHER than me.
You think I think I know everything about you Jacobi? Right now, I’m legitimately trying to figure out if I know anything. What I am to you. What I’m supposed to be.
Love isn’t just something you feel. It isn’t something you say. It’s what you do.
There is nothing you can do, even this, that will make me stop loving you. Stop feeling that way. But I don’t know what to do.
That’s why I’m tired.
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[Which feels like the worst punishment he could endure, but he knows it's not.]
It just all closed in and I thought maybe I'd get sent back. Maybe if I did something bad enough, I could just go back and face whatever consequences there are at home.
If you can't give me another chance, then just know I only did it because I didn't think I had another way out.
I didn't mean to betray her.
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Another way out? Try anything. Say anything.
You get to tell her when she’s back.
And for this week, you get an assignment: figure out how to fix what you broke. With me. With Connor. With Rita. With everyone.
You ignore it and I’ll know how you feel.
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Jesus.
I'll figure something out.
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If I leave? It’s to wait for you. Until you have your shit together.
Until I know that Maxwell would be safe around you. I am not putting in the work of getting her back only for you to lose your shit at getting exactly what you wanted and blowing it up because you don’t know how to be happy and you don’t feel like you deserve it.
So while you’ve got literally nothing else to do?
Figure it out. Like a goddamn adult.
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You said you didn't care about my reasons, so don't pretend to know them now. I'll tell you when you ask. Until then? Stop telling me what I feel.
And I said I'd do it, so I'll do it.
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Because now is the section where you shut the entire fucking way up.
Because if the only time when I can depend on you to tell me something is after you do things, I’m going to have to guess. And that’s my guess. I tried the whole ‘believe you’ll tell me before hand’ part and got my kneecaps shot out for the trouble.
I love you. I would die a true death for you again. I will live every day of my life for you.
I don’t trust you. Because I’m not an idiot. You have to earn that back.
Luckily for you? I have full faith in your capabilities.
As for your reasons? We’re not discussing those until we’re in a room together. And I won’t be doing that for a week.
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[And now he will shut the entire fucking way up.]
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Talk to you in a week.