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Jacobi groans. "I don't - that was just the easy shit, Tim."
He takes another drink. "And you - are you sure you're up for this anyway?"
He takes another drink. "And you - are you sure you're up for this anyway?"
He looks back over his shoulder to give Jacobi another Look. "Are you really gonna try using me as an excuse this time? I'm doing..."
Ugh, he can't lie to Jacobi. "Alright, well. Not fine, but. I can handle this. Still easier than the Circus."
Ugh, he can't lie to Jacobi. "Alright, well. Not fine, but. I can handle this. Still easier than the Circus."
"Three root canals and being raked over coals is easier than the Circus," he reminds him. "That doesn't mean anything."
He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, as he scoops the last pancakes out and turns the heat off again.
"It's just, um. Different. The Circus was just... pain. Fear. It wasn't..." He presses both hands onto the counter to stop them shaking when he thinks about it. "I could feel Jon's... everything, getting burned up. It wasn't just hurting him, it was-- destroying him."
"It's just, um. Different. The Circus was just... pain. Fear. It wasn't..." He presses both hands onto the counter to stop them shaking when he thinks about it. "I could feel Jon's... everything, getting burned up. It wasn't just hurting him, it was-- destroying him."
"Yeah."
He puts his hand on the small of Tim's back, just for a moment, as he takes a drink and brings down the plates.
"He told me what happened. We - talked a bit after."
He puts his hand on the small of Tim's back, just for a moment, as he takes a drink and brings down the plates.
"He told me what happened. We - talked a bit after."
"Good to hear. He wasn't in much of a state for it when I left him."
And he still feels like he shouldn't have. He knows he would have gone mental doing nothing, but it still felt like abandoning him.
"How was he with you?"
And he still feels like he shouldn't have. He knows he would have gone mental doing nothing, but it still felt like abandoning him.
"How was he with you?"
Jacobi goes quiet, swirling his drink around in the glass. "Weird. He was burning up first, then settled. And - " He snorts. "He could hear Maxwell in my fucking head. So they had a whole conversation."
"...that is weird. What the fuck." He'd never really thought about it, but it made sense that he could. Especially if he wasn't in any state to filter any of it. "How'd that go, then?"
"Very fucking weird," he admits. "Especially because he argued with her. And spoke directly to her. No thanks."
He sniffs, taking a long drink. "Anyway, he was miserable. He could tell I was miserable. And he's still trying to talk me down."
He sniffs, taking a long drink. "Anyway, he was miserable. He could tell I was miserable. And he's still trying to talk me down."
"I mean, it's not exactly a secret that this is a prime situation for you to go nuclear," he points out, and sits next to Jacobi after he's put the dishes in to soak. "All the harm to Jon's pretty much done, but we're still gonna be hurting for a while after the fact."
"Yeah," he says because how can he not? He can't exactly dispute the fact that he's losing his mind with this. "I'm starting to think that there's no point in - trying to help people. Stupid as that sounds. But I've never - had control of things. And it really sucks here."
"Yeah." Because, same. "It's... frustrating, sometimes. Helping people is a constant effort. Never really looks like there's any progress when you're always picking someone up from their worst. Especially when people target them specifically."
He frowns. "Hey. You help me. Obviously, because I haven't blown this goddamn ship apart."
"Exactly," he comments dryly. "And you've got to agree that it's not exactly a one-and-done thing. Every time you start getting an itchy trigger finger, I'm there to help talk you through it."
He spears a pancake with a fork, but doesn't make much effort to do more. "But that's the point, isn't it. If I didn't, we'd both be worse off. My best friend going and killing people without remorse, getting the people he cares about hurt, again, because I didn't put in the effort to talk him down."
He spears a pancake with a fork, but doesn't make much effort to do more. "But that's the point, isn't it. If I didn't, we'd both be worse off. My best friend going and killing people without remorse, getting the people he cares about hurt, again, because I didn't put in the effort to talk him down."
He's quiet for a while. For a very, very long while.
"Look, I'm not sure what you're saying, but it sure sounds like 'hey, doing this is too much.' And if it's too much, then maybe you need to take a break or something."
"Look, I'm not sure what you're saying, but it sure sounds like 'hey, doing this is too much.' And if it's too much, then maybe you need to take a break or something."
Tim immediately sighs, and rubs his face with one hand to try and push back the guilty look that crosses it immediately.
"That's not what I meant, but. You're not wrong. I should... step back for a bit, maybe." He lowers his hand, resting his elbow on the table so he can prop his chin on it. "My point was supposed to be, even if it's hard. Even if it feels like it's pointless or going in circles. The entire fact of doing it, putting in that effort, makes it matter. Because it means something when you're there for someone at their worst to help them out of it."
"That's not what I meant, but. You're not wrong. I should... step back for a bit, maybe." He lowers his hand, resting his elbow on the table so he can prop his chin on it. "My point was supposed to be, even if it's hard. Even if it feels like it's pointless or going in circles. The entire fact of doing it, putting in that effort, makes it matter. Because it means something when you're there for someone at their worst to help them out of it."
"Yeah. I got the point. But I'm not going to be okay if you're not okay, Tim. And if I'm constantly leaning on you, then you can't find your feet. I'm your friend, but - look. I'll make you a deal. A month. I won't do anything for an entire month. No matter what happens. If it comes close, I'll hermit myself until it passes. You know I'm not generally impulsive. So - that way you focus on your fucking self and we'll revisit this later."
Jacobi knows he can compartmentalize for that long. He can do that much.
Jacobi knows he can compartmentalize for that long. He can do that much.
That makes him pause, and he turns to stare at Jacobi more fully, frowning with the unpleasant realisation.
"Christ, am I really that bad?"
He'd liked to have thought he was more self-aware than that, that he'd know where his limits were, but apparently he'd quite grossly misjudged.
"Christ, am I really that bad?"
He'd liked to have thought he was more self-aware than that, that he'd know where his limits were, but apparently he'd quite grossly misjudged.
"Yeah, bud. You are," he tells him, not unkindly. "Look, I'll let everyone else know. The pack can carry me if they need to. Just - make sure I don't get killed and we're good. Otherwise, let's just hang out, drink beer, watch movies, and decompress."
Audio message on his laptop:
Daniel, I know that losing me was a setback. I know that the mission went differently than it should, but you should have known better than to deviate. You were the one who divided the team; not Kepler. We don't operate like that. That is not what we do. You can't just let your emotions guide you. From the moment you stopped trusting, you othered yourself and you left Kepler alone to deal with what happened next. But none of that is new information to you. What is new is that you're still doing it.
You want it all back? That's up to you. Not Kepler. Not Ulla. You.
Get it together, Daniel. Because being together means that you have to repair what's broken in you.
Handwritten note left to him:
I talked to Connor and Ulla. I don't think you can do anything to change Connor's mind, but you will talk to Ulla. And when I see you again, I'm going to kick your ass. Ulla is trying, just like you. She isn't the key to getting me back. It's not her fault that we aren't all together. Don't blame her.
gXdke23sXdopmM990
Another audio note, only accessible after inputting the password and listening to the other note:
I love you. You can do this.
Daniel, I know that losing me was a setback. I know that the mission went differently than it should, but you should have known better than to deviate. You were the one who divided the team; not Kepler. We don't operate like that. That is not what we do. You can't just let your emotions guide you. From the moment you stopped trusting, you othered yourself and you left Kepler alone to deal with what happened next. But none of that is new information to you. What is new is that you're still doing it.
You want it all back? That's up to you. Not Kepler. Not Ulla. You.
Get it together, Daniel. Because being together means that you have to repair what's broken in you.
Handwritten note left to him:
I talked to Connor and Ulla. I don't think you can do anything to change Connor's mind, but you will talk to Ulla. And when I see you again, I'm going to kick your ass. Ulla is trying, just like you. She isn't the key to getting me back. It's not her fault that we aren't all together. Don't blame her.
gXdke23sXdopmM990
Another audio note, only accessible after inputting the password and listening to the other note:
I love you. You can do this.
You're a full warden! You can get whatever you want.
Yeah, now. [Though it honesty hadn't occurred to him. He's too used to being an inmate, still.] But Quentin never got me bombs.
Did you ask him? Did you need them to graduate?
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