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“You mean you’re not used to a Warren Kepler who, as far as you knew, had a first priority of operational functionality.”
He’s going to make some things clear. Lay them out. No candy coat. And he nods to the question, because that’s not-
“You’re assuming a lot. Starting with the idea that I expect you to be perfect. That I expect you. To have your shit together. To be okay.” He shakes his head. “I’m not.”
He glances back at Jacobi.
“I held you. To the standard that you proposed. And there were consequences. Because you went back on your word. Not. Because you weren’t perfect.” He sits up and looks him firmly in the eyes. “I mean what I said: I’m in for the long haul. I? Understand your head’s all fucked up. Because my head was all fucked up. And I can be here? But. I’m too close. Like you said. ‘Beyond my help’.”
And yes, that rubs up against his issues with control but thankfully he’s had two and a half years of having his life shaken around by the cosmic toddler running the boat to build a bridge and get over it.
“But by the same token? You hurt me. And you did something… ideologically awful. Your method of imploding? Was out and out shitty. And not being angry? Is telling you that that is acceptable. Do you get that?”
He’s going to make some things clear. Lay them out. No candy coat. And he nods to the question, because that’s not-
“You’re assuming a lot. Starting with the idea that I expect you to be perfect. That I expect you. To have your shit together. To be okay.” He shakes his head. “I’m not.”
He glances back at Jacobi.
“I held you. To the standard that you proposed. And there were consequences. Because you went back on your word. Not. Because you weren’t perfect.” He sits up and looks him firmly in the eyes. “I mean what I said: I’m in for the long haul. I? Understand your head’s all fucked up. Because my head was all fucked up. And I can be here? But. I’m too close. Like you said. ‘Beyond my help’.”
And yes, that rubs up against his issues with control but thankfully he’s had two and a half years of having his life shaken around by the cosmic toddler running the boat to build a bridge and get over it.
“But by the same token? You hurt me. And you did something… ideologically awful. Your method of imploding? Was out and out shitty. And not being angry? Is telling you that that is acceptable. Do you get that?”
He tries not to treat this like he's being dressed down by a superior officer because it's not like that. And yet, in some way, it is. He knows that he disappointed him and that's worse than the anger. He fucked up in a cosmic way and hurt other people, sure, but that doesn't compare to what he did here.
He shifts a bit, meeting his face but trying not to straighten up. Trying to maintain a casual exterior because that's what people do when they have arguments and conversations and discussions with their significant others. They don't snap at attention.
Fortunately, the last bit of that is exceptionally easy. "Yeah," he tells him. "I get it. I didn't say you couldn't be angry at me, for the record."
He lets out a long breath.
"Just - I want to be what I said I could be. And after this? I th - I know what that actually means. A piece of it, at least. But." He pauses here. "I don't expect that you'll trust me again that much right off the bat and that's okay. That's fine. You shouldn't. Just - you don't have to do anything. But I'm going to do things."
He shifts a bit, meeting his face but trying not to straighten up. Trying to maintain a casual exterior because that's what people do when they have arguments and conversations and discussions with their significant others. They don't snap at attention.
Fortunately, the last bit of that is exceptionally easy. "Yeah," he tells him. "I get it. I didn't say you couldn't be angry at me, for the record."
He lets out a long breath.
"Just - I want to be what I said I could be. And after this? I th - I know what that actually means. A piece of it, at least. But." He pauses here. "I don't expect that you'll trust me again that much right off the bat and that's okay. That's fine. You shouldn't. Just - you don't have to do anything. But I'm going to do things."
“I know that.”
And that right there? Is the faith. The faith he always has in Jacobi. Something that’s beyond trust, that’s part of things he knows. Why he would lock them in with an active bomb.
“Do you know that I love you? That fucking up… it doesn’t make me not love you? That being fucked up… doesn’t make me not love you? It just… makes it hard. Especially when-“ does he say this? Does he admit this? Yes. He has to. It’s part of what he agreed to and he will keep his obligations. He… is supposed to have his shit together, “-when I’m so fresh into moving from a position of… of constant support to one where I’m back in the role of… supporting others. In ways that are… different. From my previous position.”
He looks up at Jacobi.
“I’m being honest with you. Not… none of this is your responsibility. But I want you to have the full scope. Especially given… given the man you’re used to dealing with.”
And that right there? Is the faith. The faith he always has in Jacobi. Something that’s beyond trust, that’s part of things he knows. Why he would lock them in with an active bomb.
“Do you know that I love you? That fucking up… it doesn’t make me not love you? That being fucked up… doesn’t make me not love you? It just… makes it hard. Especially when-“ does he say this? Does he admit this? Yes. He has to. It’s part of what he agreed to and he will keep his obligations. He… is supposed to have his shit together, “-when I’m so fresh into moving from a position of… of constant support to one where I’m back in the role of… supporting others. In ways that are… different. From my previous position.”
He looks up at Jacobi.
“I’m being honest with you. Not… none of this is your responsibility. But I want you to have the full scope. Especially given… given the man you’re used to dealing with.”
He stands up and crosses the room, abandoning the blanket behind and wrapping his arms around Kepler's neck loosely. "You still have support," he reminds him. "And I don't want you to always have to support me."
It was why working with Hange had been so important to him. It's why Tim is so important. And Jon. And even fucking Dracula. These people in his life who he can go to and bitch to and complain and so that he doesn't have to pile all of that on Warren. So Warren can have everything important and special.
"I have other people," he tells him. "Step...three. So I can sometimes help you." Like he did when he graduated. When everything was overwhelming.
It was why working with Hange had been so important to him. It's why Tim is so important. And Jon. And even fucking Dracula. These people in his life who he can go to and bitch to and complain and so that he doesn't have to pile all of that on Warren. So Warren can have everything important and special.
"I have other people," he tells him. "Step...three. So I can sometimes help you." Like he did when he graduated. When everything was overwhelming.
He can’t help that he’s going to pull him in, let his hands slide up and into Jacobi’s damp hair, let one hand settle at the base of his skull with obvious tenderness. And that-
That is why his eyes close in a hard wince.
“You didn’t answer my question, though.”
Does he think he has to be good enough for Kepler to love him?
That is why his eyes close in a hard wince.
“You didn’t answer my question, though.”
Does he think he has to be good enough for Kepler to love him?
He sits back and looks at him in confusion for a second, replaying it all in his head. It wasn't a deliberate slight on his part; he had simply gotten lost in all of the other conversation. He had wanted him to know, first and foremost, that there are other things he wanted to address first.
"I know you love me," he finally says, cupping his face. "I didn't realize that was something you worried about. Look, you're a lot of things, and you're far from perfect, but you're a goddamn loyal bastard. And yeah, I panicked a bit at first, but that's just because I'm a mess. But it doesn't mean that I ever really doubt that you love me. Just - god, please don't leave me alone here if you can help it. I know I can't ask anything of you and I shouldn't, but please. Don't."
"I know you love me," he finally says, cupping his face. "I didn't realize that was something you worried about. Look, you're a lot of things, and you're far from perfect, but you're a goddamn loyal bastard. And yeah, I panicked a bit at first, but that's just because I'm a mess. But it doesn't mean that I ever really doubt that you love me. Just - god, please don't leave me alone here if you can help it. I know I can't ask anything of you and I shouldn't, but please. Don't."
“You can always ask,” he wants that clear, okay. He wants that crystal. fucking. clear. “And if you want it? You should.”
He turns his head to nuzzle against Jacobi’s palm, lets his nose brush against his wrist, and he can’t help that he can smell the blood there, wants a taste to help them reconnect. But he can’t rely on that. They shouldn’t.
“If I left,” he says, because he wants this clear, “and… I don’t want to. I don’t want to. It would be because I thought… that I. Was making it harder for you. To heal.”
He looks up at Jacobi and his eyes are open, but they’re also Open. No artiface. Nothing but exactly what he says.
“I’m… under no illusion here, Daniel. I don’t… think you did what you did because it was fun. A relief, maybe. An… outlet. Catharsis. But I don’t think you’re… torturing me. I don’t think any of… any of the difficult parts have been something you want. Even when you want to hurt me.”
He gets that. He really really does.
“I want you to be happy, Daniel. That’s… all I’ve ever wanted. That’s what I care about. And we’re equals. We’re partners. We’re… in this together. If I ever left. For real. Not… spoken out of anger. Or in shock. In pain. It would be something we’d agree on. And it would be just for me to wait for you. But what I want? Is to be here.”
He turns his head to nuzzle against Jacobi’s palm, lets his nose brush against his wrist, and he can’t help that he can smell the blood there, wants a taste to help them reconnect. But he can’t rely on that. They shouldn’t.
“If I left,” he says, because he wants this clear, “and… I don’t want to. I don’t want to. It would be because I thought… that I. Was making it harder for you. To heal.”
He looks up at Jacobi and his eyes are open, but they’re also Open. No artiface. Nothing but exactly what he says.
“I’m… under no illusion here, Daniel. I don’t… think you did what you did because it was fun. A relief, maybe. An… outlet. Catharsis. But I don’t think you’re… torturing me. I don’t think any of… any of the difficult parts have been something you want. Even when you want to hurt me.”
He gets that. He really really does.
“I want you to be happy, Daniel. That’s… all I’ve ever wanted. That’s what I care about. And we’re equals. We’re partners. We’re… in this together. If I ever left. For real. Not… spoken out of anger. Or in shock. In pain. It would be something we’d agree on. And it would be just for me to wait for you. But what I want? Is to be here.”
"Okay."
It's a simple word, but it's one that means so much. He takes it all in, everything that he says, everything that he means, and he brings it all into himself. He takes a breath, leans in, spurred on a bit by the intimacy of the moment, of the touch, and gives him a gentle tug. He wants to sit with him, be held by him, get back a week's worth of touch and talk that he couldn't have.
"Then I want you to stay for now. Because you make me so goddamn angry, but you make me so goddamn happy, too. And it's always been like that, and that's the way I want it."
He can at least say that much.
"Now, what else do you want to know?"
It's a simple word, but it's one that means so much. He takes it all in, everything that he says, everything that he means, and he brings it all into himself. He takes a breath, leans in, spurred on a bit by the intimacy of the moment, of the touch, and gives him a gentle tug. He wants to sit with him, be held by him, get back a week's worth of touch and talk that he couldn't have.
"Then I want you to stay for now. Because you make me so goddamn angry, but you make me so goddamn happy, too. And it's always been like that, and that's the way I want it."
He can at least say that much.
"Now, what else do you want to know?"
He’ll nod, and he wants to follow that tug, wants to go to the bed. But there’s one last thing that he’d prefer to handle now, before it happens.
Because it’s going to happen. And he needs to know if Jacobi thought about it.
“Did you realize I’m probably going to have to see you dead?” And his voice is much more quiet now, because the amount he hates that…
“Your head blown off. Or ripped off. Throat slit. Crushed. That I might have to pick up your corpse. Hold your body.”
He closes his eyes.
“That it’s been flashing in front of my eyes all week?”
Because it’s going to happen. And he needs to know if Jacobi thought about it.
“Did you realize I’m probably going to have to see you dead?” And his voice is much more quiet now, because the amount he hates that…
“Your head blown off. Or ripped off. Throat slit. Crushed. That I might have to pick up your corpse. Hold your body.”
He closes his eyes.
“That it’s been flashing in front of my eyes all week?”
Jacobi gives him a harder tug.
"Yeah," he tells him. "Yeah, I know that," he tells him firmly. "But you were probably going to have to see that no matter what I did. And what makes you think it's not going to happen to you? I've already had to handle you being hurt and doing nothing about it. Like what happened in port. So - " He shakes his head.
"Yeah," he tells him. "Yeah, I know that," he tells him firmly. "But you were probably going to have to see that no matter what I did. And what makes you think it's not going to happen to you? I've already had to handle you being hurt and doing nothing about it. Like what happened in port. So - " He shakes his head.
He looks up at that, and it’s obvious he’s not satisfied with that answer, but he balances it by getting up. They can talk about it til they get to the bed. Til they can wrap around each other.
“You didn’t do nothing. And you know perfectly well your actions made that exponentially more likely. 90% of the time? I’m not in much danger. Even given this place.”
He nudges Jacobi towards the bed.
“You’re still human.”
“You didn’t do nothing. And you know perfectly well your actions made that exponentially more likely. 90% of the time? I’m not in much danger. Even given this place.”
He nudges Jacobi towards the bed.
“You’re still human.”
"Yeah, and you're not, I know." He rolls his eyes. "And I know I'm in danger. I know that. But I don't know what to tell you."
He runs his fingers through his hair, leading him to bed. "It's not something that I'm exactly thrilled about myself."
He runs his fingers through his hair, leading him to bed. "It's not something that I'm exactly thrilled about myself."
“I just want you to remember. That every time you die? You’ll feel it. And I’ll feel it.”
He slides his hands around Jacobi’s waist and rubs at the sides with his thumbs.
“I’m doing the same thing. Even regardless of my… usual preferences.” Because he knows that being a stable presence is more important than any heroics he could try for. At least, most of the time. As a default, anyway.
“Though there is… one last thing. That I feel I ought to bring up. Before we curl up in bed together for a while.”
He slides his hands around Jacobi’s waist and rubs at the sides with his thumbs.
“I’m doing the same thing. Even regardless of my… usual preferences.” Because he knows that being a stable presence is more important than any heroics he could try for. At least, most of the time. As a default, anyway.
“Though there is… one last thing. That I feel I ought to bring up. Before we curl up in bed together for a while.”
As if he could forget that. He couldn't forget that. Couldn't ever forget that what he does has an effect on Kepler because that's something that's been true, even before they were together like that.
He hesitates just before settling down, turning towards him, hands on his shoulders. He just stares up at him, watches him carefully.
"Alright. What?"
He hesitates just before settling down, turning towards him, hands on his shoulders. He just stares up at him, watches him carefully.
"Alright. What?"
He points over to a notebook, a different one, that’s sitting on one of the shelves.
“As per usual with this place? There’s some… weirdness going on at the moment. Which is why I checked that.”
He reaches over and holds it up for Jacobi.
“Fact check in. Look at it every morning. To make sure I know what’s real. And what’s this place… being this place. By which I mean.” He looks back at Jacobi. “I’m assuming? You think I’m a… werewolf? Apparently?”
“As per usual with this place? There’s some… weirdness going on at the moment. Which is why I checked that.”
He reaches over and holds it up for Jacobi.
“Fact check in. Look at it every morning. To make sure I know what’s real. And what’s this place… being this place. By which I mean.” He looks back at Jacobi. “I’m assuming? You think I’m a… werewolf? Apparently?”
His hands tighten on his shoulders. "Oh, hell," he sighs. "You're not. What are you?"
He lets go and sits down heavily. "I thought that story sounded like bullshit."
He lets go and sits down heavily. "I thought that story sounded like bullshit."
He raises an eyebrow and looks… well, slightly annoyed.
“Excuse you. Every word was truth.” Which is when he sighs and rubs at the bridge of his nose because this is so weird. Daniel should know this. Daniel has known this. So he feels like quite the fool holding up a finger.
“…don’t do what you did the- well, I guess you’ve never had a first time. But please. Nothing stupid.”
Which is when he lets his head go down and raises it to show that his eyes are glowing a bright green and as he opens his mouth to talk, there are fangs very very easily noticed in his mouth.
“I can’t imagine very much is different. The rest of the notes made it clear… just how similar things are.”
“Excuse you. Every word was truth.” Which is when he sighs and rubs at the bridge of his nose because this is so weird. Daniel should know this. Daniel has known this. So he feels like quite the fool holding up a finger.
“…don’t do what you did the- well, I guess you’ve never had a first time. But please. Nothing stupid.”
Which is when he lets his head go down and raises it to show that his eyes are glowing a bright green and as he opens his mouth to talk, there are fangs very very easily noticed in his mouth.
“I can’t imagine very much is different. The rest of the notes made it clear… just how similar things are.”
Of course, he doesn't know what he did the first time, but he does know what he does this time. And this time, he lets out a little laugh of disbelief. Because of course this is how this works. Of course this is what's going to happen.
But the one thing that this whole conversation has proven is that Kepler is Kepler. It's a weird sort of mental leap he has to make, but goddamn is he tired of people who aren't people.
"God, I hope you remember all of this after this is over," he tells him, reaching out to pull him down. "Because I don't want to have this conversation over again when you're back to being a wolf."
But the one thing that this whole conversation has proven is that Kepler is Kepler. It's a weird sort of mental leap he has to make, but goddamn is he tired of people who aren't people.
"God, I hope you remember all of this after this is over," he tells him, reaching out to pull him down. "Because I don't want to have this conversation over again when you're back to being a wolf."
He chuckles and leans down to kiss him, the fangs slipping away so that he can kiss him without incident. His eyes might be glowing but his eyes are closed to savor the other man’s kiss.
“I’ll leave myself notes, just in case,” but he can’t help but think that he’ll remember. That’s usually how things work on this boat. “But hopefully you can stand the lack of dog hair?”
“I’ll leave myself notes, just in case,” but he can’t help but think that he’ll remember. That’s usually how things work on this boat. “But hopefully you can stand the lack of dog hair?”
He doesn't even know that he's saying anything because Jacobi is still reliving that kiss. He wraps himself around him, hearing something about dog hair, and laughs to himself.
"Yeah, I think I'll be alright," he promises, remembering the way he lingered against his wrist. "What about you? Do you need - uh....anything?" he wonders.
"Yeah, I think I'll be alright," he promises, remembering the way he lingered against his wrist. "What about you? Do you need - uh....anything?" he wonders.
He leans in a little further, nuzzling at Daniel’s neck, along the side, and presses a few kisses there.
“As I remember it,” he says against the skin, “you’ve never been shy about… sharing.”
“As I remember it,” he says against the skin, “you’ve never been shy about… sharing.”
He actually shivers a bit at that, laughing softly to himself. What the fuck is this place? He fully assumed that this would have freaked him right the hell out, but he's been through so much, and this person holding him? Is as much his Warren as the one who turns into a wolf.
"Well, I'm convinced," he tells him. Like it would take much. He raises his chin, letting him have his throat, his heartbeat racing though there's no fear.
It's something new and he's never turned down a new experience. Trying something just because he can is his favorite sort of thrill.
"Well, I'm convinced," he tells him. Like it would take much. He raises his chin, letting him have his throat, his heartbeat racing though there's no fear.
It's something new and he's never turned down a new experience. Trying something just because he can is his favorite sort of thrill.
One hand cups the back of his head, the other stays around his waist. There’s nothing violent or shocking to it; there are kisses and suction and then there’s a brief pinch before the feeding starts…
And then it’s something else entirely. Jacobi will feel it, an overwhelming amount of pleasure washing through and over him, warmth and safety and affection shot through with need and want. It doesn’t die down or wash away, but with it comes a connection, and through that connection, there’s a sense of Warren, the jumble of love and need and worry he’s feeling, the want and frustration and fatigue. A few images come through, Warren in a kitchen that looks like some historical reenactment, working with someone else. A few galas, people dressed as much like confections as clothing, Then it switches to something more modern, to a hotel room that Jacobi would remember, a situation that comes straight from their past together. Only this time, Kepler has a hole in his side and Jacobi is yelling, offering his wrist, cutting it open to force the issue.
And Kepler takes it, drinks and this Jacobi gets to see that Jacobi’s first response, the two of them bonding that way for the first time.
Then Kepler is drawing away, the pleasure starts to ebb gently as he licks the wound to close it and start it closing and healing.
And then it’s something else entirely. Jacobi will feel it, an overwhelming amount of pleasure washing through and over him, warmth and safety and affection shot through with need and want. It doesn’t die down or wash away, but with it comes a connection, and through that connection, there’s a sense of Warren, the jumble of love and need and worry he’s feeling, the want and frustration and fatigue. A few images come through, Warren in a kitchen that looks like some historical reenactment, working with someone else. A few galas, people dressed as much like confections as clothing, Then it switches to something more modern, to a hotel room that Jacobi would remember, a situation that comes straight from their past together. Only this time, Kepler has a hole in his side and Jacobi is yelling, offering his wrist, cutting it open to force the issue.
And Kepler takes it, drinks and this Jacobi gets to see that Jacobi’s first response, the two of them bonding that way for the first time.
Then Kepler is drawing away, the pleasure starts to ebb gently as he licks the wound to close it and start it closing and healing.
It doesn't hurt, he thinks initially. Not like he would have thought. It's supposed to hurt. In fact, it's quite the opposite. It wraps around him, enfolding him completely.
Jacobi wraps a leg around him and presses a hand into his back, sinking into the feeling, mixing it with his own feelings of love and grief and sadness and anger. Warren's influence calms him, soothes him. The memories crash over him, quick and intense, and leave him raw in the aftermath.
He rides out the wash of pleasure as it fades, fingertips brushing across Warren's skin until he starts to feel himself healing.
He sighs, turning for him, reaching for him, burying his face in his chest.
Jacobi wraps a leg around him and presses a hand into his back, sinking into the feeling, mixing it with his own feelings of love and grief and sadness and anger. Warren's influence calms him, soothes him. The memories crash over him, quick and intense, and leave him raw in the aftermath.
He rides out the wash of pleasure as it fades, fingertips brushing across Warren's skin until he starts to feel himself healing.
He sighs, turning for him, reaching for him, burying his face in his chest.
Warren’s hand rubs over his hair, holds him there against his chest, settles on his back to rub up and down, gentle and soothing. He doesn’t need to tell Jacobi he loves him. But he does, with murmured words and a kiss into his hair.
He’s much more relaxed now. Just getting that read on Jacobi, sharing with him, taking some of those jumbled and frustrating emotions…
He kisses his hair again.
He’s much more relaxed now. Just getting that read on Jacobi, sharing with him, taking some of those jumbled and frustrating emotions…
He kisses his hair again.
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